Saturday, December 31, 2011

Visit to the Dentist

Hey All,  I guess that there are many people that dislike going to the dentist.  I 'm not all that fond of going either.............but, you got to go eventually.  This time was Tommys' turn to go.............
      Tommy planted his feet and told Mom, flat out, he wasn't going.  They argued back and forth for some time..........Mom told him, that if he didn't go, that she still would have to pay for the visit anyway.  That made no difference to Tom................he wasn't going.  Mom came to me and asked if I would go instead............She explained the circumstances.  I didn't mind going.............I was going to be next anyway.  I got cleaned up, changed my clothes, hopped on my bike and rode down in to Hatboro.  I explained the swap at the dentists office and everything went okay.  When I came out of his office it was raining.  Great!  Just what I wanted............to ride home and get soaking wet!  I rode with my head down trying not to get rain in my eyes as I peddled my way through town.  I was pretty miserable by the time I was most of the home............I was crossing the entrance to Stony Brook Apartments when I was knocked over and pinned to ground.  Instinctively, I reached out for anything that I could get my hands on.................I found a hood ornament.  The driver of a light green Ford Mustang had not looked right and hit me.  He continued to pull in to traffic........  I'm sure he was surprised to see a hand clawing at his hood.  Fortunately he noticed and put it reverse...........dragging me and the bicycle back off of Old York Road.  I was able to slip my leg out from under the bumper and between the bike.   An ambulance was called and I took a trip to Abington Hospital.  Shock must have set in..................on the way I just started to cry.    The EMT who was an older woman........to me she was anyway......................snapped at me and told me sternly, "don't you dare cry".  Funny thing.............I stopped........just like that.
       I was very fortunate...........aside from being a little banged up and bruised...........I was okay.  Mom got money for my bike from the insurance and a lot of drinking money.  I did get a new 10 speed bike out of it...............I only had it for two weeks before it was totaled.though......................that's another story.  My Guardian Angel sure has been busy.
                                      Until the next time.....................................God Bless


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Gus

Hey All,   I have learned that the old saying "what goes around comes around", happens more than we realize..  A form of justice and balance................in otherwise chaotic lives.........that seems random...... to come out of nowhere.  Anyone watching and that is aware of the details...........will tell you that this was far from random......especially when events and people come together to play out a part in their lifes' stories.   Parts only they can play to complete the story and regain balance...................a sort of poetic justice.
    Gus was assigned to 213th Aviation Co when he arrived in Korea.  He was a vehicle mechanic assigned to the motor pool with the rest of us.  He claimed to be from California and talked about how it was "the" only place to be from.  He was cocky and arrogant..........two qualities I had learned to distrust and dislike.  He was a PFC on arrival and after some time was promoted to SP4(CPL). He liked to brag about his last assignment............where he did and sold drugs and was very successful at it.  When CID law enforcement had evidence to arrest him............he turned himself in under an amnesty program that allowed drug users to get help.............without the fear of any  prosecution.   Yeah,  he loved the fact that he was so very smart...............smarter than almost everyone else.
       The motor SGT was SSG Ferguson...................a very fair, intelligent man who had been a motor SGT in his last assignment. We were short NCO's at the time so Gus was appointed "acting" SGT. for the work floor.........SP4 pay with a SGTs stripes and authority.   It went straight to his head...........it was a terrible mistake to give a guy like him any authority or power.  On one day after lunch, Gus and some of the other motor pool personnel had ridden back to work and left me behind to walk............no big deal, I could always use the exercise.  When I did get back, I returned to my desk for some paperwork that I needed for the afternoon.   I sat down and immediately felt a painful, electrical shock in my leg.  I stood up and had an arc of electricity shoot from fingers to the steel desk.........I stumbled backwards into my steel chair and an arc shot from chair to the back of my leg.   I then could hear the laughter coming from outside my door and I saw the wire that ran along the wall and was attached to my chair.   I had a temper flare...........I stormed out the door and I found Gus............red in the face and still laughing, trying to catch his breath.  I forgot  my military bearing and started a verbal assault on his carelessness and lack of leadership.  He started yelling at me to remind me that he now outranked me..........I told him that I was leaving the motor pool.........I was abandoning my post............for fear of my safety.   In reality it was for both of our safety.........I was on the edge of reason and I had to get out of there before I acted on my anger.  I told Gus that he could explain why I wasn't there  to SSG Ferguson and the Motor Officer.   On the walk back to the barracks, SSG Ferguson was driving by me in a Jeep.  He pulled a U-turn and drove up, asking me where I was going. Still smoldering with rage,  I gave him the details.............he told me to have a smoke, calm down  and walk back to the motor pool.  He would have it taken care of by the time I got back.  It was like nothing happened........... Gus was let off the hook............it was just horseplay they said.  For me it was an attack on my person...................I don't like it when that happens. What if I was physically injured from those electric shocks?  Dangerous horseplay.
Many days later, I would ask Gus for help to get to the post gate(as relayed in the story 213th Avn).  He wouldn't help me..............it was only 1\4 mile.............the outcome was not so pleasant for me .........and some others.
         Time passed and the dust settled from these events............at least on the surface.  I could still do my job and work with Gus in a professional manner.  I was eventually promoted to SP5/SGT..................and Gus went back to SP4/CPL. We continued to do our assigned jobs without any problems on the work floor.
I was assigned the job as a CP, which is Courtesy Patrol.  There aren't enough NCOs to accompany each MP patrol unit, so NCOs fro around post were randomly chosen to walk along.  CPs couldn't arrest anyone, but they were the "authority" on the patrol of lesser ranking MPs.  We walked through the bars were soldiers were relaxing...........some blowing off steam.  In one bar in particular, I felt a tug on my uniform at my chest..................then a beer bottle broke against the bar behind me,  showering me with glass......I wasn't severely  injured ........luckily.   We looked around but nobody knew who threw it.  We had just come into the dark bar from a brightly lit street............we couldn't see a thing.  We eventually continued our rounds of the bars...................when we were notified to return to a previous stop.  There was a fight a another patrol unit needed assistance.   We arrived in time to assist the other patrol in taking people into custody.   What do you know?   Gus was one of the first cuffed.   I stood guard over the men that were being brought out and when Gus saw me........................I was his long lost friend.  He tried to talk me into releasing him from his restraints and letting him walk..........................."sorry Gus. I can't do that"  But he had illegal drugs on him and in his system.................."I can't help you out with that Gus.  You know the Regs"  Why do you want to be like that man?  Were co-workers.......help a brother out. 
    I wouldn't have violated my duty....................But, I couldn't help reminding Gus of the night I needed a hand..................... his response and the ensuing trouble I had..............." I guess what goes around,Gus, really does come back around".  I couldn't help myself.................I was smiling.    He told me he could knock me to the ground and run...............I reminded him that I knew who he was and where he lived.  Besides, I was one of the fastest runners in the Company.  He wasn't going to get far.
    Amazing isn't it?  Of all the nights................of all the patrols....................it was mine that took Gus into custody.  Gus was punished under the Uniform Code of Military Justice.  H was demoted from SP4 to PVT1................ dishonorably discharged .................and returned to civilian life. Karma some call it..........others refer to Gods hand....................whatever you believe............I don't believe in coincidences, not like this.
                              Until next time.............................Gos Bless.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Night Before Christmas

Hey All,         Sometimes you need to just be able to laugh...............or cry..........or, maybe even both.   With no guarantees in life or promises of a rose garden....................remember what really counts.  We were raised poor..........so this is just another Christmas with familiar feel.  However.....................I have much more than I have ever had.....................at any point in my life.   Give thanks..............
      The night before Christmas.................there was no tree or gifts in the house,
I was on unemployment................we were as poor as a church mouse.
No phone, no cable..................we're two months behind on the rent,
The last of our savings.................on the electric bill was spent.
With Ma working at the market................at least there was food on the table,
And next month I get new hearing aids...............from the VA, I am able.
We're behind on our debts.........................including water and sewer,
We can't afford gifts again............with our dollars so fewer.
Ma, with her ear plugs..............I with a dog at my feet,
Had settled in once again...............for another restless nights sleep.
The Children and Grandchild live far away...............he had to work again,
Was this the second or third..................straight holiday.
With no money for travel............................no family would we see
A celebration as a family................. was just not meant to be.
The greatest of presents...............the commercials do shout,
We all should remember.............what Christmas is really about.
It is about family and friends.............held dear in our hearts
A time of joy and laughter...............even for a new love to start.
If the Father hadn't sent us Jesus................where would we be,
He has provided us with everything.............that we really ever need.
I wish we could always recall....................why Jesus had came,
To save our souls.................and relieve our shame.
Though silver and gold can hold a bright shine,
Without the Love of  The Father and Jesus............we'd be lost for all time.
May your Christmas be merry and your stockings full,
Let your love shine to others.................let Jesus be seen in you.
                   Until next............................God Bless.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Saying Good-Bye

Hey All,   We all have times when we say a farewell to important people in our lives.  How many of us, have not seen friends from school or our childhood friends since...........................well, a long time ago.  We all know, that life is a journey full of so many twists and turns.................but, there are no do-overs.................we only get one chance at life.  The  memories are yours to keep in your heart and take with you where ever you may go............some are the most precious of unexpected  keepsakes................ captured in your heart.
     On May 16th, 1986, my father passed away.  I sat at the dining room table at Grandmoms house................looking over my shoulder at my fathers ashen gray face.  Out of nowhere , I heard a voice that said he was going to die.  I shook the thought from my mind....................I reasoned, of course, we all will..................someday.  His health was bad..........................we all knew this.  What I didn't know as that he was ready for it............................had accepted it as  the inevitable conclusion of his life.....................and he knew it would be soon.
     I went to work that day, just as I had many times before.  Dad wasn't feeling very well and was a bit surly as he lumbered his way up the lane to the garden.  I told Charlie to go along with Grandpop as I got in my car..............Dad turned around as Charlie called to him and said, "what do you want?"  " I want to be with you Grandpop" came the reply.  "Oh alright!  Come on then!"   Off they went...............Dad postured a lot as a gruff kind of guy.................but, he loved that boy and was so proud to introduce him where ever they went, as his Grandson.    I think he had a hard time expressing some of his emotions, as many men do............especially when they had to do with the tender side of his heart.  We all learn to be who and what we are from the example set for us by others.................. his father was an alcoholic, that example ..............sucks.  Dad, had to figure out fatherhood on his own................................so did Tom and I.
       I got a call at work, telling me that Dad had passed away.................................30 minutes after I had left him.  Charlie was with him as well as Grandmom.......................he died about 80 feet from the bedroom he was born in................ he was 54 years old.  At the hospital, Dad was put in a room behind the ER....................they were waiting for his heart to stop fluttering before they could pronounce him deceased.  As I stood by his bed , I realized that this was near to last time I would have to say what was on my mind...............................for years.
    So, I leaned over him and said "You wouldn't let me do this when you were alive" and I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek ."I love you Dad."
     Life is hard enough,  without making it harder........................on ourselves.  If there's someone in your life that you love, appreciate or care for.....................tell them.............while you both can share what it really means to you.  I know.............with some folks it's ..................difficult.  Like a porcupine.................sometimes , you're the porcupine.  It's never , ever, to late for a hug and to say I love you...................I can guarantee, you'll regret it if  you miss the chance and it never returns.
                         Until next time..............................God Bless.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Short Circuit

Hey All,    Most everyone of us, has a moment or two that we react without thought.....................just pure emotion.  This is not the most recommended way to approach our difficulties..........................................but many times...............it's the most honest and straight-forward.
       In the Spring of 1984.................when Charlie, his birth mother, and I came to the USA from Korea,...........well, we had issues we had to work through ...............except we didn't.  Sounds like many couples I know.........................but many couples didn't have our circumstances either.  Trust is given to another, with only so much rope.....................................all trust from that point onward is earned.  I tried to forgive and forget............to let my first anniversary pass from our lives unnoticed.  I was taught from a biblical standpoint to turn the other cheek...................unfortunately, I only have four.
      It first started, when she began not to come home at night.  Now , I didn't need a road map............but, there were other events that .............well, let's just say that I ran out of cheeks to turn.  The next event was a phone call in the middle of the night............I had just watched a movie called "If a man answers, hang up".   Well, I answered and whomever it was,   hung up, a chill ran down my neck............couldn't be.  Later, when she answered..........it was a male, Korean voice clearly audible to me at 4 Am..   When I asked who it was , she told me it was her girlfriend.................that woman need female hormone injections.  Next, came Hectors' wife..........she had already been caught with another woman's husband............................a fact that I'd already been told by my wife about.  The woman wanted an excuse to leave her husband.............what are friends for?    She came for dinner and we all went for a swim at the apartment pool.....................................where she grabbed my crotch, while obscured below the waters surface..................later, she exposed her naked breasts to me......................while I was feeding Charlie as I sat on the Sofa...........my spouse was in the shower.   Then came the Friday that was ever so special...............she called me at work and told me to pick Charlie up at the babysitters.  She wasn't going to be available.  I asked where she was going to be and was told...........................none of my business.  On the following Sunday, she called collect ........just to check in.  I guess she was trying to gauge my mindset..............maybe she felt guilty....................nah.   When the phone bill came in............I called the number listed ...............................Best Western, Deming New Mexico.
       I was frustrated, hurt,betrayed.................... once again.  Damn, I was a dumb ass!  The guys I worked with in the motorpool were going to a large dance club called "Dallas".............I was invited to go.............it was my first................................. and last outing in El Paso, Texas.  I walked in the door with a heavy cloud hanging over my head.  I tried to fit in............................be one of the guys.  All I could think about was what was happening in my home life.   The more Tequila I consumed, the more angry and depressed I became. I walked out into the parking lot.......knowing I was not fit company.  I sat down in between parked cars and tried to think...................the only emotion I had now was rage.  I punched a car over and over until I felt the bone in my right  hand snap.  I realized what I had done and rolled  onto my side and eventually passed out.  The guys found me and I slept into the morning hours before formation, (gathering of the troops).  I was permitted to go home and get into uniform and return to duty.  I was amazed that I hadn't heard from my superiors................................braking my hand was destruction of government property by their standard  .  I worked throughout the day as my hangover passed and my pain increased.................I knew it was to good to be true.    The Commanding Officer and First Sargent walked through the door to see me personally.....................they asked about what had happened ,and I interrupted them.......................asking if I could get down in the front leaning rest position and give them 20 push ups before we started.   I was allowed to proceed...................and gave them 20 push ups with a broken right hand.   They looked at each other and the CO stated that, it must have hurt like hell............. I agreed.  Then  they concluded our meeting................that was it. .My face was beet red............ but , I had to show them that I was willing to accept my punishment..................and my pain.  .After work, I went home,  got a shower, went to the military hospital and had my hand set in a cast.
         The CO could have pulled me in for disciplinary action..................I'm thankful that he was an understanding man. Was I wrong?  Absolutely.   I can't and won't try to justify my behavior or actions.  This wouldn't be my first broken bone due to my inability to adjust to my circumstances........................I have broken many of my possessions as well.   Inside there is a anger that I couldn't seem to find an outlet for..............I blame myself, so I hurt myself.  Enough for this day.
                                  Until next time.........................................God Bless.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

United As One

Hey All,   There are times in everybodys' life, when circumstances rise, that we call acts of God.   They are hard to work through and accept..................prayer, faith and the loving support from those in your life that care about you....................will see you through them.
      In the 2005,  we were busily consumed by circumstances beyond our control.  Mom passed away and although I had expected this to happen.......................I was surprised that it hadn't happened long ago. We returned home after her funeral and settled in to our lives again.  Charlie was working with me.............earning money for school and picking up some trade skills along the way.  In the 1st week of April, while I was at Dr appointment............................Charlie was crushed between the tailgate of my work truck and the back of another car.  He was organizing my tools as he waited for me in the parking lot.................a young lady, backing her car and talking on her cell phone with her dad,  wasn't paying attention.  Charlies' leg was crushed.............but not broken, as well as wrenching his lower spine.  He has recovered with physical therapy and Gods grace.
      A week after Charlies accident, on beautiful Sunday morning...................Penny found a lump in her breast.  I rescheduled all my jobs and took her to the walk in clinic the next morning.  Health care for anyone with cancer is pretty fast paced.............you move from doctor to doctor...............so that your treatment begins immediately...............your chance of survival is better.  It was a tough six months for Penny............anyone who has had chemotherapy, knows the toll it takes on your body and soul.  They feel overall.................lousy.  They watch their hair fall out.................and cry.  All anyone can do for them is to hold them............be there for them.............let them know you love them.....................no matter what.  I fell in love with a woman..........................a person..........a soul.  I still will love her, even if she should lose her hair...................or have a mastectomy, which she didn't need to do. Penny has given me her love and has been dedicated to me.......................how can I be anything else for her?  Especially, when she needs me most.  After chemo, then there's radiation.................daily doses, and a medication called  tomoxifen...............a drug to help stop any more tumors.   Through the accidents and illness................we have survived.  We didn't have health insurance....................I was self employed and couldn't afford it.  Charlie and Penny are both doing well.  Charlie has made a full recovery and hikes the Adirondacks on a regular basis. I'm very proud of the man he has............... and will continue to become.  Penny is six years from the horrible illness that had caused her so much anguish......................she is cancer free. She still works for the local market.........................and loves to cook....................I am a lucky man.    We are very, very thankful......................for there were so many that cared and prayed.......................God answered those prayers.  At a time of the year, when we celebrate Gods greatest gift...........................one to be treasured above all others..................remember that, what is important isn't the silver and gold.......................it's the gift of love.  Through God....................through the ones who wipe your brow when your sick............ ....hold you when your scared.................love you despite your flaws.....................and pray for your soul.
         Penny and Charlie were saved by Gods hand..........................................and they were here for me, when I needed to be saved from myself.  We find ourselves without health care once again.................thanks to CBSD.    It's  hard to remain positive,  when you have been surrounded by so much negative for so long.  I am reminded by friends and my family........................I am not alone.  I know that this is true..........I have God, Penny, Charlie, Tom and other close family members that support and believe in me..........and many of you too. Thank you for the giving a part of yourselves........................ Merry Christmas.
                                        Until next time...............................God Bless.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Kitchen Help

Hey All,    Everyone should spend a little time in the kitchen.  There's lots to learn if you keep an open mind and who knows, you may just expand your skill set..............always start with a clean kitchen.
      I was in 9th grade the 1st time I was taught how to work in the kitchen.  It was around 11 Pm and I had come down to get a glass of water.  My mother was sitting in the dark living room,  celebrating the another day...............I thought she had gone to bed earlier.  The kitchen and diniing rooms were disaster areas.............Mom was on another bender and hadn't cleaned or done much of anything, but drink,  for a couple of days.  She came up behind me and told me to clean the kitchen and dining rooms.......................dishes, countertops, table and floors. I refused...........I told her I had to go to school in the morning and this would take hours.  I started to finish my water when she grabbed a handful of hair from the back of my head and yanked.  As I stood staring at the ceiling..................she insured my obedience...............I still wanted that hair she had hold of.   I cleaned everything as instructed..........it only took me to 1:45 Am to finish everything she wanted done.  The next morning, we 3 boys came down the steps for school......she asked Joe if he had cleaned everything up..............he said no.  Tom was next...........he didn't know anything about it.   As I was the only one left..........................it must have been me.   I was very tired at school the next day.................as with many days that followed the long nights..........I slept in class.  It didn't do much for my grades...............not that anyone cared or checked.
     In the Autumn of my 10th grade year, the same scenario was repeated................after all, it worked before, why not again?   It was late afternoon on yet another sunny , warm day.................Mom, came drunk into the kitchen and instructed me to clean...........................I refused.   I told her she was drunk and to go sleep it off.  A fairly large mistake on my part..................I went to the cellar and was looking for some of my fishing stuff as the season was about to begin.  I should have paid more attention..............Mom came down to the cellar with a belt wrapped with half of its length around her fist.............Dad a spare.  Mom said that I would not disobey her and she swung the buckle end, as I took a step away from her.  The heavy buckle caught me at the base of  the back of my head........................I ran, keeping the boiler and support columns between us.  She chased me in this circle for a few minutes before she gave up and went back upstairs..............time for another drink.  I stood there in the dark cellar,  listening to hear if she was coming back.  I felt dizzy, sick to my stomache.............so I laid down on the cold concrete floor.  After an hour or so, I felt a little better and figured that I should find a safer place..................when I got off the floor, the back of my head was wet and sticky................the concrete was wet with my blood.  It was time I left for safer ground.
     This was not the end.  I just learned to move faster.................not to assume that because Mom was drunk, that she was harmless........she had taught me otherwise.  I will always remember those days with wonder......................I may not be the smartest person in the world...................but I sure had a special education.  Who knew that working in the kitchen could be so hazardous?
                             Until the next time.............................God Bless.
   

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A Legal Guardian

Hey All,     There are times when we do things with the best of intentions...................only to have it come back and bite you in the butt.  When you lead with your heart and not your head.............this can usually be the result.
     Fall 1985. We were living at Grandmoms' house and Dads' sister had come to visit with her youngest son, Alex.  Dad was home for good now..........................his truck parked along Rte 263 in front of the house.  His health had deteriorated to the point that he was on SSI disability...............right up until he died.  Alex was 16 at the time and his mother was having a rough time................... with his behavior.
     Grandmoms' house was a refuge...........and a place for a new start. Many of her grandchildren lived under her roof.,  Carl was the first of Helens' sons.........our Grandparents stepping in to helping out when circumstances became unpleasant for the child.  The next of Helens' boys was Drew.............he lived at Grandmoms, but Dad stood up for him as a guardian and father figure...................he was a handful, a disciplinary problem according to Dad.    Alex came with his Mom on their visit in 1985.  Helen asked Grandmom and Dad if they would consider taking Al in.................that's what we all called him.  Dad and Grandmom both, told her that they just couldn't handle it............................then this idiot, decided that he would become responsible for Al.  We all discussed the arrangements together..............Dad, Grandmom, Helen, Al and myself.  The deal was that Al would take the trash out once a week.......do the dishes every other night..........take the dog out as necessary.............and bring in firewood when needed.  An agreement was made and later the legal paperwork was notarized..............I was Als' guardian.  He started school at CB East...............like Carl and Drew.    Things went smoothly at first.......then Al started to renege on his agreement.  I came home from work and the trash was not out.............I had to bring in firewood.  I woke Al and had him do his chores...................at first it was okay and he complied. Then he became obstinate and defiant.
     What occured next, I wasn't prepared for.................Al asked me to take him to a coin dealer as he had some old coins he wanted to sell.  Problem was..................Grandmom had a pink plastic pig that was full of wheatsheaf pennys and other old coins....................it was on the dresser in Als' bedroom, where it was always kept....................it had disappeared.      I put off taking him and investigated the loss as best as I could.   Grandmom was up in arms............this was my fault for bringing Al in to her house..............she said that she held me personally responsible for her loss.   Another night. when I got  home from work at 1130pm......the trash wasn't out again.  I went in and got Al out of bed........again.   This time he told me to go and f*** myself...... I pushed him back down on his bed and told him to rethink his answer...................he only got up and yelled  in my face............with the same reply.   I told him to comply or pack his bags.    He packed his bags. The next morning,  I called Helen and informed her Al was on a bus home.  She  wanted no explanation. 
        Al passed away........I believe it was in the fall of 2007.  He lived in Idaho......working as a carpenter..............despite the fact he had a Law degree.   He just didn't like that life.   He mixed painkillers and alcohol and passed away in his sleep on his couch................I believe he left three children behind.  I didn't see Alex after my Dads' funeral.  We talked.................but as far as he was concerned, I should have let him stay,  even though he wouldn't uphold his end of the bargain.  That's youth I guess.  He wasn't a bad kid and I really did like him.............I just couldn't let him ignore his agreement, nor could I ignore the theft of Grandmom's coins.  I'm sorry that events occurred the way they did.........I had hoped for a different ending.
                         Until the next time...........................................God Bless..

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Class Trip

Hey All,  In the 5th grade,  I had Mr Davis as my homeroom teacher at Crooked Billet Elementary.  We were all were going on a class trip........I'm sure that many of you can relate to this experience......................some of you...........explicitly to this one.
       I realize that everyone's life is as different as night from day............we experience things from totally foreign perspectives,  based on our specific individual lives and persons.  There is no right or wrong way.  That said, I also realize that there is a standard to which we all use as a gauge of sorts for what is considered acceptable or normal.  We are taught a baseline to which we all start from.............we try to find our individuality from that point.  No,   I'm not a psychiatrist.  I just see things...........I don't understand,   nor can I explain why.
        I approached Mr Davis with what I considered a personal and very uncomfortable position.  We were all as class,  making preparations for our class trip.   I wanted to go with the rest of my class, but, I had a certain set of circumstances,  that caused me to be embarrassed and uncomfortable.  I wasn't sure how to even talk about it. 
       I was one of those kids, who had yet to stop urinating during the night........yes, I still wet the bed.  Many different remedies were tried to try and correct me.  I was wakened during the night to go.......was given a time at which I was not permitted to have any fluid intake............nothing worked.  There was a train of thought that, I was just lazy.........so, my stained bedsheets were hung out the window for my peers in the neighborhood to see.  My heart skipped a beat when I rounded the corner and saw them hanging from my window.............yes, some of the kids in neighborhood saw them and made comments...........not favorable ones. I was even diapered at the age of 8, by my Mom's mom, to try and shame me into correct behavior.  
      I explained my circumstances to Mr Davis and he paused.............I'm pretty sure this was a first for him.  He assured me that he would make sure that certain precautions would be made for me.  I wanted to go.........but in the end.............I decided that I couldn't risk going and having a problem..................nothing else worked........what would happen if I went on this trip and I was status quo?  I would never hear the end of it.
       I informed Mr Davis that I was not going along.  I missed out,  but knew it was the only choice.  I have heard, that kids in my particular circumstances, have a problem in the area of bed wetting a late age.   It was a long time ago....................................I stopped as if by magic, at the age of 12.  No special circumstances...........no rhyme or reason.  I wish I had answers for the why's of some of my abnornal experiences............but, I don't believe I'll learn the reasons this side of heaven.  I als know that I'm not the only kid to experience this.  ...particularly kids that experience trauma........in one form or another.
                 Until next time.....................God Bless.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Man in the Mirror

Hey All,   Introspect is something we all do from time to time.  We look at ourselves, sometimes with judgement as to our lives and our actions.  It would be nice to like what we see and approve of what we have done with everyday of our lives.  Being human,  we all have faults.....................we don't get it right every time.   Try and remember to be fair to yourself and accept responsibility only for what you have control of.........your own actions.   You don't make another person do anything...................their free will does...........but your actions can influence theirs.
        I look at my reflection in a mirror and struggle with what this reflection that I see,  means.  Self esteem and self judgement are interlocked within me.  I know what the facts are .......what has occurred in the past has a direct effect on who I have become.  There are some that believe,  that I can choose who I am...............it's mind over matter.  If I don't mind then,  it doesn't matter.  Got to say that there's a flaw with this train of thought.  I believe that the things that happen over your lifetime are accumulative in your heart and your soul.   We are ever changing........adapting everyday to new situations,circumstances and stimulus.  Each of us will  respond in kind and as individuals.  I wouldn't dare assume or try to tell anyone how they should feel about any particular events in their life.  We can empathize......... but the experiences are individual........as well as similar to our own.
       I know that there are people that have had  extremely hard trials and experiences...............I am fortunate by comparison..............................but it doesn't lessen the validity of my pain or experiences.  I can't count how many times my father called me stupid................... the ultimate insult was " Cripes!  Your dumber than Joe!"  He questioned me once, after what he claimed was mistake......................I told him"what did you expect?  You know I'm stupid?"  He never called stupid after that... In a conversation with my mother, when I was in high school........................she was asking about my life plans.  I said that I wanted to get married and have kids.   After a long laugh.....................she said "You'll never amount to anything.  Who would want you?"   Thanks for your honesty Mom.
      These are the things that stick with me.  I know.....................that is,  I have head knowledge, that this was abuse and should not be taken to heart.   When something occurs on a regular basis..............it becomes reality to the person hearing it.  Add to this that your siblings are not treated in the same way.......................how can you feel any differently............. that all that is told to you,  is true?
      Parents are the first, and one of the most important...............................they form the foundation of a persons life.   I'm grateful for the Scalfaro family.....................the Hansons........the Gabryelewicz family and others.   You have made positive contributions to my life,  by your examples, compassion and kindness.  With out you..............I may have thought suicide was only answer a  long  time ago...................and yes,  I did think about it.    You showed me love........and gave me hope.
       I may always struggle with who and what I am.   I have tried to do what I thought was right............morally.  I've made more than my share of mistakes...............no doubt.  My parents or any of my other abusers are not responsible for them....................I'm all grown up now.............I may not have had very good training, but, I can accept responsibility for.........................being me.
       Enough for this day.          until next time..................God Bless.

Friday, November 18, 2011

213th Avn Co (ASH)

Hey all,   This story is not one that will reflect a positive light on myself.  I can only relate what I thought and how I felt that day...............I was a model soldier................but I lost my way.
       I was in a relationship with a Korean woman and thought at first she was the one...........Yeah, I was 20 years old.  I had been warned from my 1st SGT and a fellow soldier that she was bad news, but I wouldn't listen.  She cared for me.........said she loved me..............the void I had for so long was finally filled.  Damn, I was young......... and an idiot.   I eventually found out that she was using drugs and through several arguments with her, I decided one day. that this wasn't for me.
        I had my own apartment down town, which I furnished and was responsible for the rent.  I had my fill of having daily battles with a woman who wouldn't remember what we argued about....................so I decided that we were done.  It was a Sunday night,  I told her that I would go to my room in the barracks for the night and she would have to move....................I couldn't and wouldn't live his way anymore.  It will live in my memory forever.........................a woman crying, hugging both my legs as tight as she could.......................begging me not to leave.....................please, give her another chance.   How many chances and how many times did we have to do this ?  It was hard,  but I stuck to my guns and followed through...............doing so, I wrote another page in a long line of personal disasters.
     I went to my favorite bar.  I had no money, but the manger let me open a tab, as he had done so many times in the past.  I sat having my first beer...............when she came in  and sat down next to me.  She had regained her composure...............was friendly and talkative..............I thought, good, she accepted our situation.   I was about to find out how stupid I really was.  I bought her a beer on my tab and we talked.  She asked me if I remembered a certain set of circumstances........I said I did.........at that point she informed me she had gone for an abortion...............I was more than a little hurt.  I guess that was the point.  I downed my beer and ordered another..............  about halfway through that one, I left her sitting there and and went to the men's room.    I returned and finished my beer and had another.................and started feeling sick.  I walked to the back of the bar and asked Gus, a SGT, if he would walk me the 1/4 mile to the gate................something was wrong, I didn't feel very good.  We worked together.......he was the only one I knew there that night.   He told me "F**** Y**, I got some p**** lined up.  You're on your own".  I walked to the door..............I wish I could tell you all that happened next.  I remember bits and pieces....................I was told the rest.  I went out the back door of the bar, which housed a restaurant and broke a plate glass window as I fell into it..............I was found passed out laying face down in the alley, not far from the restaurant.  A undercover officer,( I didn't know that at the time), whom I played pool with regularly, found me and called the MPs.  I was to be taken back to my barracks and put to bed.  I woke up as I was carried over an MPs' shoulder..................and I was not an nice person.  I was dropped on the ground.................and then became defensive.  Seven men...............American and Korean...........couldn't put handcuffs on me.  I was being attacked and I was pissed.  I stood with my back to a wall..............and when they came in and tried to grab me.................I grabbed them and  tossed them.  The undercover MP told me later that he never saw anything like it..............and I didn't hurt anyone.  At one point, I just smiled, turned around, put my head against the wall and my hands behind my back.  I was arrested.
      I woke up in the brig..........I was choking on my vomit.....had inhaled it.  I was taken to the dispensary for treatment.........................out of cuffs........no restraints.  At some point, I asked for my smokes.................I was told by the SGT in charge, no way . I said f*** you, I'm leaving.... and walked out the door.   The SGT followed me out and grabbed me from behind in the dark.............I broke free and and broke a few of his fingers........bruised a few of his ribs............. along with his face.   The MPs were called back........I was arrested again. This time I was tied down to a gurney.  I was talked to by a medic for quite a while...............and released from my restraints.   The Captain in charge of the Dispensary that night wasn't happy with me...................he came back as I laid there with my eyes closed, almost asleep...............he threw water in my face and said "I won't have any drunks sleeping it off in my dispensary",.  I didn't open my eyes....................but anything and everything that I could lay my hands on ,I threw or broke.  Yeah, MPs were called again.
       I woke up in my bed in the barracks.....................my wrists were raw from chaffing.........but I couldn't figure out how.   I showered and went to the motorpool to open up.   A couple of hours later, the 1st SGT Taylor called.  He asked if I was ready to go to jail.  I actually laughed.................told him that was funny.  He told me that I was being charged with drunk and disorderly, destruction of private property, resisting arrest, destruction of government property and assaulting an NCO. 
       All charges were dropped aginst me except the drunk and disorderly.  I paid out of pocket for the broken window.  I was a patient.....not to be treated in the manner I was,  the only personnel permitted to physically restrain military personnel are the MPs.  I was required to attend Psych counseling for 6 months.
        The undercover investigator found I had only charge six beers that night and I didn't drink all of them.  They believe my ex-girlfriend spiked my drink.  She disappeared....................left town...............with everything I owned in the apartment...........cleared it out.  I lost my passes for two weeks.    Gus and I had a talk..............".your .tough  luck buddy."...............my  problem.  I didn't know it at the time, but, Gus and I would have another encounter down town. 
                                       Until next time..............................God Bless.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Last Day

Hey All,  I went to St Luke's in Glenside for the 8th grade.  I was the new kid and unknown by all.  I had learned to be defensive as a second nature................so I stayed to myself when I could......and was in situations that had me in front of Mother Superior and the Priests on more than one ocassion.
      I had been in a few altercations that year............once with the biggest kid in class.................once with a couple of boys holding me while another hit me and a few times with individual boys.  I must have always been in the wrong as I was the only one up for discipline..........I wouldn't tell or rat out the others...........somehow I always felt these things were my fault.  My grandparents ended up getting involved when I came home with a few bruises on my face.
      The last day of school was a beautiful sunny day and the entire 8th grade was bussed to a local park.  It was a nice place with open field and some woods.  Some of the kids had been here before and many of the boys and girls went up into the woods along a steep hill.  There was a vine that had grown up through the  branches  of a tall tree and was used as a swing..................like tarzan.  The boys were taking turns swinging from the top of the hill to out over a space.........a drop of about 15 feet or so  in to a large pile of leaves.  I watched for awhile and then was taunted because I wouldn't go out like they had.   I relented and took my turn.  I took a deep breath and held on for dear life as I swung out over the leaves................looking down and afraid to let go.  I  started to swing back but instead of going to my point of origin..............I swung back to the tree..............into  a place on the tree where a branch had broken off.  When I collided with the tree.......it knocked the wind out of me and then I fell into the leaves.   I could hear the boys laughing as I crawled on my hands and knees out of the leaves and woods to the open field.  I couldn't catch my breath............gasping for air like a fish out of water.  One girl, Catherine, came down and checked on me......................she went to get one of the Nuns.  I had a round area under my left arm that was perforated by the ragged wood fibers from the broken branch.  The area was very sensitive ot touch.................when I got back to my grandparents house, my grandmother examined me and said we could go the hospital, but she believe that I had cracked some of my ribs..............and there was no treatment for that........so why waste the time and money?
       For the next 3 months, anytime I rolled over on my left side I was immediately wakened by a sharp pain from that spot under my arm.  I guess grandmom was right.  I still have a round mark there that sort of looks like freckles...............a tattoo, as a  physical reminder of that day.
                                Until next time.................................................God Bless

Fork in the Road

Hey All.  The last day at St Luke's was certainly one I'll always remember................but then again I remember to many things. 
       My grandparents made me an offer............that I would continue to live with them and they would pay for my tuition to Bishop McDevitt High School.  They wanted me to stay on................even to pay for college.  They told me to think about it..............that gave me 24 hours.    I had already been thinking......about going fishing and hunting with Tommy.  We did almost everything together..........I missed him.  As I sat on the front steps at my grandparents house I tried to think of both sides of how things would work.  If I stayed here I would have a hot meal 3 times a day, nice clothes, my own bedroom and somebody that talked to me and even cared if I did my homework.    I also thought of what I would be leaving behind................No more drunken mother to deal with,  no father flying off the handle in rages, no more abuse from the beast.............. my time with Tom would be almost non existent.  It was something else that came to my mind, that I found was the only important thing to me.  I realized, that if I stayed here............then all those things that I would have sidestepped would now fall to Tommy..........alone.  I instantly knew that I could never let that happen..................he would receive abuse that previously had been directed at me............since I knew what that was like, there was no way I could let that happen.......................my choice to stay would have caused him to endure my share abuse, pain and beatings.  I love Tom...............how could I do this to him?  I'm sure you all know by now that I went home that day.................I wouldn't change that decision if it meant my life.  Each other is all we had back then................. that we could count on.  Enough for today. 
                                Until next time...............................God Bless.

Friday, November 11, 2011

HHC 2/47 Infantry

Hey All,   My military experience wasn't all bad...........................it just had some black holes that I naturally fell in to.  I can honestly say that I learned a lot..........like how to survive.......maybe that was just an extension of what I was taught at home.  There are good and bad people all over the world..................yes that includes the military too.  Imagine someone having authority over you............and that person is without integrity or a moral compass.
       I was apprehensive when I arrived here in December 1979.  Afraid of what was going to happen next.........not without reason.  I had learned in Basic Training that I wasn't safe. I was trained for as long as I can remember that the next attack is right around the corner. I wasn't wrong.....................we went to Alaska and people I didn't even know, but would work with.............became the enemy............more people I couldn't trust.
       Lee was from Reading Pa. and was a mechanic in the motorpool when I got there...............for a little while he was also my room mate.  He was quiet and laid back and we got along.  We talked about home and our individual interests................normal guy stuff.  Other guys in the barracks noticed that Lee or myself never went out on the town, went to bars or picked up whatever woman  that was available.  I told Lee in private about wanting to wait........................and he told everybody when they started harassing him about not" going out".  I was teased at first and then ridiculed.....................I was the joke of the 2/47th. I was given the name "Cherry Boy"  I got crap everywhere I went, almost daily at the motorpool.................  from  my fellow enlisted, Motor SGT's, Officers and our assigned Warrant Officer.  It bothered me a .great deal.........I was told that they force me to have sex.............that they would take me downtown, make me drink...........that I would have no choice.  I was also told that they would bring a woman to the barracks and force me to participate.....................because of the events of my past.............this didn't go by without causing me to worry.
       I was moved to a new room right across the hall from the one I had occupied.  Odell  Johnson was one of my roommates............one of the people who made threats.  I was laying in bed reading...........which I spent a lot of time doing,  as usual I fell asleep with my light on.......the only one on in the room.  I woke to................an orgasm.   I sat up and Odell and a pretty brunette sat across from me on his bed.   Just staring at me not speaking.   My mind immediately went to the threats they made................I wrapped my sheet and blanket  closely to my body and went to the bathroom and closed the door.  I wanted to cry........I was falling into a deep dark hole. When I came out,  they were gone.  Not again...................nowhere to go................no place I can hide..........no place is safe.   My life.......anything that happens..........is a the whim of everyone else..............I will always be vulnerable.
      These events affected my health......my blood pressure was very high......I had an almost constant stomache ache......not eating or sleeping.   I went for medical attention and the Warrant Officer who was a Physicians Assistant recommended that I take leave...........................go home as soon as possible.  I couldn't tell him what happened..............I took leave and made it home  to Pennsylvania the night before 1980 deer season opened.  After a few days Dad went back on the road, Tom and Joe went back to work.  Grandmoms' friend took her grocery shopping and I stayed at Grandmoms house alone...............I wasn't doing very well...........my stomach still hurt and all I could think of was going back...................what would happen next?  I was 19 years old and so much had happened already.......................and I felt that somehow it was all my fault.   I took my fathers' loaded 38 revolver and sat on the couch ...........................I held it to my head and sat there...........I wouldn't have to go back.  I could stop all of this right now..   My mind wandered to Dad, Tom and Grandmom.  What this would do to them...........especially Grandmom ..........she would be the one to find me........she had always been so good to me.   I don't know how long I sat there like that.......but when Grandmon pulled up with her friend in the driveway, I put the gun back in the cabinet............and went outside to help with the groceries.
        This was the first time that I had gotten to  this point........................the conclusion that death was better than living as I had.  I would learn that I was an idiot to think I could control one damn thing.  I started acting out..................I drank so much Jack Daniels.....by tilting the bottle up and guzzling......that I didn't wake up until Saturday afternoon......laying in my own vomit and urine........  I couldn't keep water down until Sunday evening. This would be the beginning feeling responsible........hating myself.......uncontrollable anger .........excessive drinking...........dreams that won't let you forget.  Enough for now.
                       Until next time.............................God Bless.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sgt Morales

Hey All,   Everyone makes mistakes....................like "what the hell was I thinking?"  We are embarrassed by them and hope no one notices or finds out.
       Sgt Morales ran the maintenance floor in the motorpool of HHC 3rd Brigade.  He always had his uniform  squared away and always seemed happy and enthusiastic.  We all liked him.................but he wasn't perfect.  It was a sunny Saturday and I was sitting at my desk in the barracks writing a letter home..........no email back in the dark ages.  I was wrapped up in my thoughts as  I put pen to paper............I was lost in thought as I wrote, tuning out my room mates, the music and everything else.  Sgt Morales was married and lived off post with his family, but  he stopped by the barracks for some reason and was just checking in with us.  I had not even notoiced he was even there...........I was was so engrossed in my thoughts, with my eyes down, writing home.  I heard my name and looked up..................right into the barrel of a chrome revolver 18 inches from my face.  The cylinder turned as it was cocked and the hammer fell.....................to a very loud click.  I looked past the gun to see that it was in SGT Morales' hand and he was grinning.  I was a PFC at the time........and I blew a gasket.  I told him that he was leaving right now.................if he didn't leave I'd throw him down the F****** steps, take his gun from him and stick it where the sun don't shine. I told him if he ever put a gun in my face again it better be loaded because I was going beat the crap out of him.  He pulled rank on me then........made threats about insubordination.   I told him that was a good idea,  lets do it right now, with the  CQ.  He wasn't permitted to have a personal firearm in the barracks............let alone stick it in someones face.  Would I have gotten in trouble for my comments? Likely.  Did I care?  Not a bit......................he would have gotten in more trouble than me.     The following Monday, SGT Morales called me aside and apologized for his actions...........said it would have been his career if I filed a formal complaint..............thanked me for not doing so and asked if there were any hard feelings.  I told him I had none and he offered his hand, which I shook.  Back to business as usual.
        I came very close to letting out that animal I had caged up inside...........there would have been no turning back. I was among fellow soldiers...................but I couldn't let my guard down for a minute.
                  Until next time........................God Bless.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Breakfast in Bed

Hey All,  I know that many would like to get breakfast in bed..............as long as you're not in the hospital.  A little pampering at times is good for you...............makes you feel appreciated..................special.
      November 1979.  I was home on leave before reporting to Fort Lewis.  I didn't have drivers license as of yet...........I didn't get a state license until I was 24 years old.  Tommy would take me places I needed to go while at home or Dad would if he was around.  I had been staying at Grandmoms for a couple of days as .Mom was in usual form and I didn't want to be there.  She called me while drunk and was bad mouthing Dad.................I told her I didn't want to hear it................... I know he wasn't perfect...........but neither was she.  I hung up on her and she called back......I warned her, but again she went on about Dad................and I hung up.   Grandmom looked at me without comment.......................so I explained I'd had enough of this while living at home...............time for a change.
      Dad got in off the road one morning, a  couple of days later and I got a ride home with him.  When we walked in the back door the the house was a shambles...........................food on the floor and scattered over the counter tops..................table and counter tops loaded with dirty dishes etc.  Dad walked around looking things over when Joe told him Mom had been on a three day bender and was in bed.......................it was about two in the afternoon by this time.  Dad picked up the phone and called Moms' Mother.................he said"if you don't believe your daughter's an alcoholic, then you should come up now and see for yourself".  I was surprised...............I thought that I would never see something like this.
        An hour later, my Grandparents showed up..................along with a few of Moms' sisters.  They checked on Mom in her bedroom...............................and then proceeded to clean her entire house....................and yes........ they made her breakfast in bed.................like she was ill or bedridden. Yeah, she needed to be pampered, drinking is such hard work.  While this was going on......................my Grandparents, Dad and I were talking in the basement.  My Grandmother stated" your mother is not an alcoholic. It's no wonder she drinks with kids like you"!   Once again the anger from deep inside rushed to the surface.  I said" I'll be a son of bitch if I'll stand here and let you blame us kids for her drinking. You heard about her being an alcoholic when I lived with you and called me a liar!  The only one to blame for this is Mom"!  Well, you could have heard a pin drop.  My father looked at me as if for the first time and my Grandparents stood in shocked silence. That was a side of me before unseen by them................ the mouse roared.  I immediately felt like I did something wrong and I stomped up the stairs and went outside.  It was how Dad found out that I smoked..............I had to light up,  I was furious................emotional.  Dad came out a minute later and stood beside me......................he asked "  was it true what you said down there?"    I guess it surprised him.....................he had informed his in-laws on different occasions of Moms drinking habits and they refused to believe him.  I guess he must have been a liar too.
        Mom was an alcoholic and drank until her death on March 18th, 2005.  She had started having episodes of dimentia.............a few times she thought I was my father.  I avoided my mother for the most part.  I would only come to visit her if she promised to stay sober for the duration..........I didn't visit very often.  Enough for today.
                              Until next time.............................God Bless.

Shop Project

Hey All,  Lots of kids have spent time in wood shop in high school.  We were taught how to use the equipment safely and different techniques used in wood working.  Our teachers were Mr Snyder and Mr Halstead.
    I was in the 11th grade and had hard time deciding what I wanted to make.  Mr Snyder helped me out and I finally decided to make a chest of drawers made out of cherry.  It took me quite a while but I had completed it in May, just before the school year ended.  I had to pay for all the materials I used, so I explained to Mom that I needed $75 so that I could bring my project home.  She was already familiar with this because Tommy had a shop project too. It was a beautiful sunny day and I got a friend who could drive and he helped me bring it home, where we unloaded my project in the driveway.  After my friend had left, Mom came out the kitchen door and she was drunk again.  She looked at my chest of drawers and said "I paid $75 for that piece of shit? I don't know if I want that thing in my house. Why can't you make something nice like Tommy?"  I just stood there with tears welling up in my eyes...................I was 30ft away from her and  she was speaking loud.  I hoped nobody could hear her.  I turned my back to her and walked down the driveway, headed down to the creek.  I walked away trying to hold back my emotions.............while Mom was yelling at my back "where are you going?  Get this piece of shit out of my driveway"!
        I returned just after dark and brought my project in the house after Mom had passed out in bed.  I still have that chest of drawers.  It stands in my bedroom.........every time I look at it I can't help but remember.
                 Until next time...............................God Bless.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Missed Opportunities

Hey All      I do not consider myself to be a great chess player.  I take too much time in planning moves and am not a great strategist.   I have met some who are really good and love this game.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was playing two very different games at the same time.
         It was January 1981 and I was assigned to Headquarters Company, 3rd Brigade, Fort Lewis, Washington State.  Most of our Company had gone to Fort Drum, New York, for training and I was a member of the rear party left behind to secure and maintain our presence at headquarters.  I held the rank of SP4 at this time and was on a regular rotation for CQ (Charge of Quarters).  as was every other member of rear party.  This duty is a continuous 24 hour period with the next day off to rest and recover.  I was CQ runner for a  Black female SGT,  we all called by her 1st name, Winnie. I believe her last name was Cook.
         I still considered myself to be sexually pure.  I refused to accept any other definition for myself despite what had happened in Basic Training and the 2/47.  Some had known of my personal choice to remain celibate and this fact had followed me from my last assignment to this one.  This had become a source of  humor and ridicule for some and harassment for me. My current and previous assignments were geographically 100 yards apart and many of the personnel knew each other........................my reputation for celibacy preceeded me.
         I had occasion to pull CQ  with Winnie a few times during this time.  She was aware of my personal  choice and had taunted me the same as others had..  One night she left Post to go to Seattle-Tacoma airport to pick up a male friend and left me to occupy headquarters alone.  She had been gone for quite awhile and when she returned I made mention of this.  She bluntly told me that she had offered herself to me and I had turned her down.  She had been with her friend spending "quality time".  I was embarrassed and said nothing further about it.
        The next time I had CQ with Winnie she brought a friend.  She was a very attractive young black woman who was married to a man, whom was called "Mac", a shortened version of his name,  he was on the trip to Fort Drum,.   She had brought a chess set with her and claimed that she doesn't ever lose.  She had made several remarks about my celibate nature and decided that she wanted to be my first experience.  I reminded her of her marital status but apparently that wasn't an issue for her.  We played chess during this time and Winnie read a book she had, with an occasional laugh at some of her friends comments to me.  I took forever to decide what chess moves to make, so this game lasted awhile.  The game was over when I said checkmate.  She refused to believe it as she examined the board............but she lost fair and square.   The trouble had just begun..............................she refused to physically leave me alone.  I had gone to the men's room and she boldly walked in while I was exposed.   She walked up behind me and grabbed my penis. I in turn grabbed her forearm so hard she cried out that I was hurting her........  I let when she let go.    Over the next couple of hours she refused to leave me alone or take no for an answer. She placed her clothed breasts in my face..........................she tried to shove her hand down my pants repeatedly........................she grabbed my crotch, to which I slapped her hand with forced.............tried to get on top of me as I laid leaned back on the sofa trying to read.  This transpired over the course of a couple of hours  Winnie watched this and found it amusing.  She wouldn't intervene, despite my pleas for her help.   Finally, I informed Winnie that I would leave the building and go AWOL if this didn't stop.  Even if I had to face punishment for leaving my post..................I couldn't take anymore of this.  That made a difference, but not without being verbally ridiculed by both of them for my choices.................I was just being a"baby", a "little boy"  "What's the matter don't you like women?"
       Now I was concerned to be around either one of them.   I didn't and couldn't report this anyone.  It was my word against theirs and then I was afraid "Mac" might come after me when he got back if his wife lied about the circumstances.  If the gender of the people involved in this incident were reversed,  then maybe it would have mattered..............................males don't get sexually assaulted and harassed by females.......... right?
       I didn't have CQ with Winnie anymore after that night.  Thank God for that.  I did see Mac's wife while walking a couple of times, .....she would just laugh when she saw me.    I also saw Mac.  The way he stared at me, I'm sure he must have heard something,  but he never said anything to me. I know some would laugh at these events and would have felt and acted far differently.   I had set a standard for myself................what was wrong with wanting my first time to be something personal........................not just a causal fling with someone I don't even know?  Yet alone the wife of another man.   This event only served to cause me to feel more self-conscious about myself and my past.  Being a person who was exposed to abuse in the past, I refused to get violent, even in defense of myself...................especially against a female.  Eventually, I would turn violent..................  but only towards myself. I had to be the one to blame.....................it couldn't be them.   I would become a man out of control.
                         Until next time....................................God Bless.
   

Monday, October 31, 2011

Alaska

Hey All,   Wisdom comes with age.............hopefully.   I know that many of us have to learn things the hard way.............sometimes I think there's a sign on my forehead.................vacancy.
      I arrived at Fort Lewis,  Washington State in Dec 1979. I was assigned to HHC  2nd/47th Infantry Battalion and would be working in the motorpool.  The barracks were mostly empty as almost everybody was on leave for the Holidays.  I wandered around post with nothing to do and had nobody to report to until after New Years.  When everyone returned, I learned that we were going to Alaska for winter training for six weeks.  We would be staying at Fort Wainright near Fairbanks.   There was a lot to do to prepare and I still had to be issued my field gear and get everything settled for this assignment.
      It was mid January 1980 and we flew on a Air Force cargo plane from nearby McCord AF Base to Alaska....................they were noisy and not built for comfort, but, thankfully it wasn't an extremely long flight.  We were issued winter training gear, which included skis, poles, air insulated boots(they were called Mickey Mouse Boots for their appearance) and an outer sleeping bag to put our regular bags in to.We settled in to our assigned barracks..................  just a large room with beds and lockers. It was pretty cold while we were there with temps in -50 degrees.  We left vehicles run overnight as a precaution because they were left outside. They call it the Land Of the Midnight Sun.....................in the middle of winter it should be called land of "where is the sun?" as it  rises on the horizon, stays for a few hours and sets again.
       At the end of the month was to be my first payday at this assignment and I sure could use it by this time as I hadn't gotten paycheck since I left my last assignment   I  cashed my check and went to the PX to buy all the basics I was in need of.  When I got back to the barracks,  I was met by two cooks assigned to HHC as cooks........Steele and Battle.  They had a bottle of Bacardi 151 Rum and wanted to drink...............and I did. I was intoxicated to be sure but not  falling down drunk.  We went to chow and I was one of the first back and I wandered around in the back of the barracks, which were empty.  Steele and Battle came in behind me didn't realize that I was there.   I heard them talking...............they were planning to take my pay and were looking for me................. that's why they were so friendly and free with the rum. They went back out and went to put my money in my locker but I couldn't  remember my combo. I was drunk and panicked....................so I went to see SSG Thomas Small and SSG Charles Jordan, they were also assigned to the motorpool and had a room down the hall.  I asked them if they would inventory and hold my money and why I was asking them to do it.  They refused...........................insisted that I was just drunk and paranoid.......................nothing was going to happen.   I decided to sleep with my money in my pockets and reasoned....................... I would wake up if somebody was digging in my pants while I was wearing them. I laid down on my bunk and took my shoes off.   By now everyone had returned to their bunks and either were talking among themselves or had laid out in their bunks. The four bunks in our corner were occupied by motorpool personnel..........................Bob, Dwayne, Rob and myself.   I laid there in the darkness for quite awhile...................listening to Bob Shaeffer(spelling?) and Dwayne Hogan talking. I stayed to myself, on guard and feeling vulnerable.  Bob called to me and I didn't answer..................he called twice more and again I didn't answer.  He then said to Dwayne, "wouldn't it be funny if he woke up with a black eye and didn't know how he got it?"  Dwayne said"ah, come on Shaeffer , leave him alone, man."   Bob came over and leaned over me................I didn't think he'd do it.................that he was just fooling around.  I had my eyes open ............but he couldn't see that in the dark...............he hit me three times in the face before I could react.  My temper flushed and I came off my bed with a lunge and Bob almost fell backing up..........................I grabbed one of my skis and started after him, cursing as I went.   Bob quickly jumped on to his bunk and tried to tell me that he didn't do anything and to calm down.   I was grabbed from behind and SSG Small and SSG Jordan heard the commotion and came in..  I told the story, showed the red and puffy side of my face...........................and Dwayne wouldn't verify or deny my story.................he said " don't involve me man, I don't know anything."  .  Yeah,  Bob got away with it and  I'm the one who got in trouble.................because I had been drinking.  Eventually,  everything settled down and I laid back down on my bunk, fully clothed and tried not to fall asleep.
        The next morning, I woke up and had a slight hangover.............................I took my pants which were neatly folded by my head and put them on....................I headed to the soda machine for a Pepsi and when I got there, I realized I didn't have any change in my pocket............................I had some yesterday.  I quickly checked my wallet.............................. it was empty.  I informed SSGs Jordan and Small and it went up the chain of command to the CO(Commanding Officer).   It was afternoon by the time the CO,  CPT Bunjour, could investigate.................by then,  Steele came walking into the barracks with his new 35mm SLR camera he just bought at the PX.  It cost more than he was paid................ so, since he gave me the rum and since I heard them talking.......................he was suspect.  He was brought to the CO and Steele told him he received cash in the mail from  home and that was where he got the money.  CO couldn't prove otherwise ..................he got away with it too.  Once again I blamed myself.....................for being stupid.
        It was a hell of way to start my new assignment..........................................and  a forewarning of what was to come.  I sure played the fool and it was a superior performance. I was once again assualted in my bed.   I had my months pay taken, even the change from my pockets..........................it was February 1st, 1980..................my 19th birthday.
                           Until next time....................................God Bless.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Rescue

Hey All,      Many of us get to the point where we refer to................that was the last straw............the straw that broke the camels' back................. I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more.   At the end of September 2010.................I would find that point.
        I was on my 3rd suspension without pay from my employer.  this all started with a complaint to the State of Pa, about a supervisor.  I refused to drop this complaint, even though I was warned at the time that they would "find a way to fire me" ........as stated from a man who held a position in the union.  He was a close friend of the supervisor..............and his words proved to be foretelling.
      I had been reassigned  in the beginning of August 2010. I was suspended the 1st time, since starting my employment,  near the end of August 2010. I am an honorably discharged Army Vet with a substantial hearing disability.   My suspension was in part for not answering a phone that I could not hear due to my disability....................I had  hearing aids but did not have them in.   It was claimed by administration that I was missing from work. I was operating gas powered equipment and there 2 commercial lawnmowers running in my immediate vicinity. I filed a discrimination complaint because of this suspension and was suspended twice afterwards as a reward.
      I had previously been reprimanded by the Principal and Asst Principal for not working fast enough, even when I was working sided by side with John, my co-worker doing the same task..................he didn't get reprimanded.  I had to be taken by ambulance for emergency medical treatment to Doylestown Hospital....... my blood pressure dangerously high and acute pain in my chest. My blood pressure returned to normal by the next morning and test were run on my heart. I was given a stress test, EKG etc.  I passed with flying colors...............the cardiologist told me there was nothing wrong with my heart............that it was workplace stress that caused my symptoms.   I stayed in the hospital for 1 day and then returned to work.  I was suspended on the 2nd day after my return.
      I filed an internal complaint for discrimination with everyone including the superintendent.  According to policy every complaint will be investigated.........even verbal.   There was no investigation that I was made aware of or a conclusion from one, also part of standing policy. Why didn't they take my complaint seriously?  Is discrimination  and abuse acceptable as long as you are an administrator?   I was suspended again two more  times, without pay in the three weeks following that internal complaint.  
       During my last suspension,  I was told that the next step for me would be termination.    I had already been put on anti anxiety and depression medication due to their actions.  No matter how hard I tried, they still came after me.  I couldn't sleep and had lost a lot of weight. I was apprehensive about going to work,  I was also self medicating.................with alcohol, it was the only way I could sleep.
      Penny  had breast cancer and was receiving treatment at this time......................I couldn't lose this job!  We had spent our IRAs recovering from a recent flood., also during Pennys' cancer treatment.  I was starting over with this job and worked away from home 5 days a week.  We needed these benefits...................Penny was scared what would happen to her health care without them. Not to mention  the only retirement saving we now had.  The anxiety, frustration and depression were overwhelming....I needed relief, help in any form, to make this nightmare stop!
.      It was early afternoon and Penny was getting ready for work, I said to her, "I'm at the end of my rope. I can't take much more of this!"  After she left and gone to work at the local market, which is just down the street,  I started drinking.  I was working on the house, trying to take my mind off off my circumstance................I couldn't focus.............no matter how hard I tried, I was consumed by my thoughts.  I went down a very deep black hole  I thought that the only way to make this pain go away, was to take my life.  There has been so much heartache for such a long time, that I couldn't face another day of it.  I planned a course of action.............I took my 45 cal Colt.........loaded it ..........and put it to my head so hard it left an imprint.   I stood in the dining room that way for some time..................then I realized that Penny wouldn't be able to live in this house if I did it here.  So, I would go up into the woods.................I would just disappear.   I called Charlie to say good bye and that I was sorry..............he was all grown up with his own family and wouldn't need me anymore.  He tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't listen.................I had finally given up...............I wanted........needed..... this all to stop. Then I turned my cell phone off.
        Charlie and Colleen, his wife, tried to get Penny on her cell phone,  and by the time they did, I was already gone.  Penny came home, found my empty pistol holster laying on the floor just inside the open kitchen door.   She searched the house room by room, the gift shop, and our property..........afraid of what she would find before entering each room or place.  When I wasn't anywhere at home, she had no option but to call 911.  I was missing for several hours. I sat on a steep hillside where I covered myself with leaves, so that I wouldn't be easily seen or found.
       I sat there for hours, trying to think, but my pain and emotions kept drowning out any voice of reason.  Hours later, as the sun set, I found that I couldn't pull the trigger.  I walked downhill just below where I was sitting and placed the pistol in an old stump near the creek below me. I returned to my hiding place and covered myself with leaves again.  I sat  in the dark in the woods................struggling with myself.
   Charlie and I had hunted these woods for quite a few years......he told the police where to start looking.   Penny sat with her Dad on the back porch steps that faced the mountains above, waiting for news .........fearing the sound of a shot.  A local had seen me go up the road and informed the police. I saw headlights on the road far below me and searchlights sweeping the woods and fields.  My name was being called out through loudspeakers.......the search for going on for the crazy man with a gun. I am told that there were five State Police cars, local police, search dogs and a helicopter called in that had infra red capability............ to search for an armed suicidal man..  I eventually decided to turn on my cell phone and it immediately started ringing......... it was Charlie.  He had kept dialing my number in hope that I would eventually answer.  He talked me into calling to the search party and revealing my hiding place.  I didn't move.  I stayed on the phone with Charlie until law enforcement was at my location.  I was in the sitting position and tackled from behind.......as I told them I was unarmed. After my hands were cuffed behind my back, I told them where they would find my weapon.
       I was taken in to custody and admitted for three days in to the psych ward of the nearest hospital that had one.  I was released on Saturday and returned to work the following Monday morning.  I couldn't tell my employer........... couldn't let them know that they had gotten to me.....that I was vulnerable.  I feared that if they knew, that they would come after me even harder.
    Anyone who has read my stories , knows some of the events from my life..................some haven't been divulged yet.  I have been molested, physically and emotionally abused, shot, sexually assaulted,  hit by a car on three different occasions, sexually harassed and falsely accused..................threatened with the loss of my job and the benefits that Penny needed so badly...............the reason I took the job so far from home in the first place.I thought that this job would be a new beginning and our salvation...........once again, I was wrong.   I believe that my last employer hosts an extremely hostile working environment. I was afraid to return to work for fear of what would happen next.  Going to work everyday, was going to school everyday in fear of having to face a bully.......just like a child.   I could only do it medicated and most of time that didn't  help much.
       I continue with therapy and medication. I have been told I am being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was raised to keep standing, no matter what happens.  Stay strong...... be a man. Easier said. No charges were filed against me.....I had a permit to carry  a concealed weapon and had broken no laws.  I will always be my harshest judge................not being able to forgive myself.............for things I know that I have no control over.  I wake everyday, anticipating the next attack........I realize that this is not reasonable, but everyday isn't about living........it's about survival, making  it through the day.   When faced by someone who has caused me harm.......I will always view them as a enemy or antagonist......no soothing words spoken with a fast tongue will cause my guard to be lowered...........I tried forgiving once, I was angry with myself for the pain I had to endure because of it.
     I apologize again to all of my family, who had to endure so much that day......... for the extreme emotional stress my actions have put you through.  You have suffered for my actions...............I am sorry and I love you. Thank you for loving me.......and saving me from myself   Enough for today.
                         Until next time...................................God Bless.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Crow Hunting

Hey All,    When I was a little younger and Charlie was just a tot, I used to love to spend my free time in the great outdoors.  Some of the outings happened on Sunday mornings because crow hunting was one of the few things you could hunt on Sunday and Tommy was usually my hunting partner.
      Tom and I were going to go out before daylight to set up decoys and take a few hours to hunt crows.  He spent the night at Grandmoms house and slept in the attic, just as we did when we kids.  Grandmom had a Gordan Setter named Blackie. He was an etremely spoiled dog and that's putting it mildly.  If it was raining, he would refuse to go outside without alot of scolding.............it was astruggle of the wills and sometimes Grandmom was just to tired to argue with him.   This was one of those nights.
      The bathroom light was left on just in case Charlie had to get up in the night and it illuminated the hallway and the door that led to the attic.   After we were all settled in, I heard Blackie roaming around and watched as took a dump on the floor.  I didn't say a word..........I just rolled over and went to sleep, as far as I was concerned that dog could do whatever he wanted.      Five AM comes early and after I turned off the alarm clock,  I laid there and could hear Tommy moving around in the attic, getting ready to come down.  I rolled over waited for him to come downstairs before I was getting out of bed................I was still pretty tired and almost wished he would change his mind about going.  I laid there as I listened to his decent down  the stairs and  rolled over as the attic door opened and his foot came down squarely in Blackie's little gift.  I laughed so hard my sides hurt................and Tommy cursed so hard he woke up Grandmom.   Tom took his sock off and went into the bathroom to wash up.   I know he didn't think it was funny, but I was still laughing.......................when he walked into to the dining room to turn on the lights and stepped in another pile of Blackie's surprise..............................in his bare feet, that was under the light switch.  If  Tom wasn't colorful  the first time around, he more than made up for it on the second.........................I thought I might need medical attention, my sides hurt so bad.  Grandmom decided to get up after all this commotion and was none to happy about the noise..........................or with Blackie.   We went crow hunting and even though we were only slightly successful........................it is one of my most memorable hunts.
                                          Until next time...............................God Bless.