Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A Legal Guardian

Hey All,     There are times when we do things with the best of intentions...................only to have it come back and bite you in the butt.  When you lead with your heart and not your head.............this can usually be the result.
     Fall 1985. We were living at Grandmoms' house and Dads' sister had come to visit with her youngest son, Alex.  Dad was home for good now..........................his truck parked along Rte 263 in front of the house.  His health had deteriorated to the point that he was on SSI disability...............right up until he died.  Alex was 16 at the time and his mother was having a rough time................... with his behavior.
     Grandmoms' house was a refuge...........and a place for a new start. Many of her grandchildren lived under her roof.,  Carl was the first of Helens' sons.........our Grandparents stepping in to helping out when circumstances became unpleasant for the child.  The next of Helens' boys was Drew.............he lived at Grandmoms, but Dad stood up for him as a guardian and father figure...................he was a handful, a disciplinary problem according to Dad.    Alex came with his Mom on their visit in 1985.  Helen asked Grandmom and Dad if they would consider taking Al in.................that's what we all called him.  Dad and Grandmom both, told her that they just couldn't handle it............................then this idiot, decided that he would become responsible for Al.  We all discussed the arrangements together..............Dad, Grandmom, Helen, Al and myself.  The deal was that Al would take the trash out once a week.......do the dishes every other night..........take the dog out as necessary.............and bring in firewood when needed.  An agreement was made and later the legal paperwork was notarized..............I was Als' guardian.  He started school at CB East...............like Carl and Drew.    Things went smoothly at first.......then Al started to renege on his agreement.  I came home from work and the trash was not out.............I had to bring in firewood.  I woke Al and had him do his chores...................at first it was okay and he complied. Then he became obstinate and defiant.
     What occured next, I wasn't prepared for.................Al asked me to take him to a coin dealer as he had some old coins he wanted to sell.  Problem was..................Grandmom had a pink plastic pig that was full of wheatsheaf pennys and other old coins....................it was on the dresser in Als' bedroom, where it was always kept....................it had disappeared.      I put off taking him and investigated the loss as best as I could.   Grandmom was up in arms............this was my fault for bringing Al in to her house..............she said that she held me personally responsible for her loss.   Another night. when I got  home from work at 1130pm......the trash wasn't out again.  I went in and got Al out of bed........again.   This time he told me to go and f*** myself...... I pushed him back down on his bed and told him to rethink his answer...................he only got up and yelled  in my face............with the same reply.   I told him to comply or pack his bags.    He packed his bags. The next morning,  I called Helen and informed her Al was on a bus home.  She  wanted no explanation. 
        Al passed away........I believe it was in the fall of 2007.  He lived in Idaho......working as a carpenter..............despite the fact he had a Law degree.   He just didn't like that life.   He mixed painkillers and alcohol and passed away in his sleep on his couch................I believe he left three children behind.  I didn't see Alex after my Dads' funeral.  We talked.................but as far as he was concerned, I should have let him stay,  even though he wouldn't uphold his end of the bargain.  That's youth I guess.  He wasn't a bad kid and I really did like him.............I just couldn't let him ignore his agreement, nor could I ignore the theft of Grandmom's coins.  I'm sorry that events occurred the way they did.........I had hoped for a different ending.
                         Until the next time...........................................God Bless..

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Class Trip

Hey All,  In the 5th grade,  I had Mr Davis as my homeroom teacher at Crooked Billet Elementary.  We were all were going on a class trip........I'm sure that many of you can relate to this experience......................some of you...........explicitly to this one.
       I realize that everyone's life is as different as night from day............we experience things from totally foreign perspectives,  based on our specific individual lives and persons.  There is no right or wrong way.  That said, I also realize that there is a standard to which we all use as a gauge of sorts for what is considered acceptable or normal.  We are taught a baseline to which we all start from.............we try to find our individuality from that point.  No,   I'm not a psychiatrist.  I just see things...........I don't understand,   nor can I explain why.
        I approached Mr Davis with what I considered a personal and very uncomfortable position.  We were all as class,  making preparations for our class trip.   I wanted to go with the rest of my class, but, I had a certain set of circumstances,  that caused me to be embarrassed and uncomfortable.  I wasn't sure how to even talk about it. 
       I was one of those kids, who had yet to stop urinating during the night........yes, I still wet the bed.  Many different remedies were tried to try and correct me.  I was wakened during the night to go.......was given a time at which I was not permitted to have any fluid intake............nothing worked.  There was a train of thought that, I was just lazy.........so, my stained bedsheets were hung out the window for my peers in the neighborhood to see.  My heart skipped a beat when I rounded the corner and saw them hanging from my window.............yes, some of the kids in neighborhood saw them and made comments...........not favorable ones. I was even diapered at the age of 8, by my Mom's mom, to try and shame me into correct behavior.  
      I explained my circumstances to Mr Davis and he paused.............I'm pretty sure this was a first for him.  He assured me that he would make sure that certain precautions would be made for me.  I wanted to go.........but in the end.............I decided that I couldn't risk going and having a problem..................nothing else worked........what would happen if I went on this trip and I was status quo?  I would never hear the end of it.
       I informed Mr Davis that I was not going along.  I missed out,  but knew it was the only choice.  I have heard, that kids in my particular circumstances, have a problem in the area of bed wetting a late age.   It was a long time ago....................................I stopped as if by magic, at the age of 12.  No special circumstances...........no rhyme or reason.  I wish I had answers for the why's of some of my abnornal experiences............but, I don't believe I'll learn the reasons this side of heaven.  I als know that I'm not the only kid to experience this.  ...particularly kids that experience trauma........in one form or another.
                 Until next time.....................God Bless.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Man in the Mirror

Hey All,   Introspect is something we all do from time to time.  We look at ourselves, sometimes with judgement as to our lives and our actions.  It would be nice to like what we see and approve of what we have done with everyday of our lives.  Being human,  we all have faults.....................we don't get it right every time.   Try and remember to be fair to yourself and accept responsibility only for what you have control of.........your own actions.   You don't make another person do anything...................their free will does...........but your actions can influence theirs.
        I look at my reflection in a mirror and struggle with what this reflection that I see,  means.  Self esteem and self judgement are interlocked within me.  I know what the facts are .......what has occurred in the past has a direct effect on who I have become.  There are some that believe,  that I can choose who I am...............it's mind over matter.  If I don't mind then,  it doesn't matter.  Got to say that there's a flaw with this train of thought.  I believe that the things that happen over your lifetime are accumulative in your heart and your soul.   We are ever changing........adapting everyday to new situations,circumstances and stimulus.  Each of us will  respond in kind and as individuals.  I wouldn't dare assume or try to tell anyone how they should feel about any particular events in their life.  We can empathize......... but the experiences are individual........as well as similar to our own.
       I know that there are people that have had  extremely hard trials and experiences...............I am fortunate by comparison..............................but it doesn't lessen the validity of my pain or experiences.  I can't count how many times my father called me stupid................... the ultimate insult was " Cripes!  Your dumber than Joe!"  He questioned me once, after what he claimed was mistake......................I told him"what did you expect?  You know I'm stupid?"  He never called stupid after that... In a conversation with my mother, when I was in high school........................she was asking about my life plans.  I said that I wanted to get married and have kids.   After a long laugh.....................she said "You'll never amount to anything.  Who would want you?"   Thanks for your honesty Mom.
      These are the things that stick with me.  I know.....................that is,  I have head knowledge, that this was abuse and should not be taken to heart.   When something occurs on a regular basis..............it becomes reality to the person hearing it.  Add to this that your siblings are not treated in the same way.......................how can you feel any differently............. that all that is told to you,  is true?
      Parents are the first, and one of the most important...............................they form the foundation of a persons life.   I'm grateful for the Scalfaro family.....................the Hansons........the Gabryelewicz family and others.   You have made positive contributions to my life,  by your examples, compassion and kindness.  With out you..............I may have thought suicide was only answer a  long  time ago...................and yes,  I did think about it.    You showed me love........and gave me hope.
       I may always struggle with who and what I am.   I have tried to do what I thought was right............morally.  I've made more than my share of mistakes...............no doubt.  My parents or any of my other abusers are not responsible for them....................I'm all grown up now.............I may not have had very good training, but, I can accept responsibility for.........................being me.
       Enough for this day.          until next time..................God Bless.

Friday, November 18, 2011

213th Avn Co (ASH)

Hey all,   This story is not one that will reflect a positive light on myself.  I can only relate what I thought and how I felt that day...............I was a model soldier................but I lost my way.
       I was in a relationship with a Korean woman and thought at first she was the one...........Yeah, I was 20 years old.  I had been warned from my 1st SGT and a fellow soldier that she was bad news, but I wouldn't listen.  She cared for me.........said she loved me..............the void I had for so long was finally filled.  Damn, I was young......... and an idiot.   I eventually found out that she was using drugs and through several arguments with her, I decided one day. that this wasn't for me.
        I had my own apartment down town, which I furnished and was responsible for the rent.  I had my fill of having daily battles with a woman who wouldn't remember what we argued about....................so I decided that we were done.  It was a Sunday night,  I told her that I would go to my room in the barracks for the night and she would have to move....................I couldn't and wouldn't live his way anymore.  It will live in my memory forever.........................a woman crying, hugging both my legs as tight as she could.......................begging me not to leave.....................please, give her another chance.   How many chances and how many times did we have to do this ?  It was hard,  but I stuck to my guns and followed through...............doing so, I wrote another page in a long line of personal disasters.
     I went to my favorite bar.  I had no money, but the manger let me open a tab, as he had done so many times in the past.  I sat having my first beer...............when she came in  and sat down next to me.  She had regained her composure...............was friendly and talkative..............I thought, good, she accepted our situation.   I was about to find out how stupid I really was.  I bought her a beer on my tab and we talked.  She asked me if I remembered a certain set of circumstances........I said I did.........at that point she informed me she had gone for an abortion...............I was more than a little hurt.  I guess that was the point.  I downed my beer and ordered another..............  about halfway through that one, I left her sitting there and and went to the men's room.    I returned and finished my beer and had another.................and started feeling sick.  I walked to the back of the bar and asked Gus, a SGT, if he would walk me the 1/4 mile to the gate................something was wrong, I didn't feel very good.  We worked together.......he was the only one I knew there that night.   He told me "F**** Y**, I got some p**** lined up.  You're on your own".  I walked to the door..............I wish I could tell you all that happened next.  I remember bits and pieces....................I was told the rest.  I went out the back door of the bar, which housed a restaurant and broke a plate glass window as I fell into it..............I was found passed out laying face down in the alley, not far from the restaurant.  A undercover officer,( I didn't know that at the time), whom I played pool with regularly, found me and called the MPs.  I was to be taken back to my barracks and put to bed.  I woke up as I was carried over an MPs' shoulder..................and I was not an nice person.  I was dropped on the ground.................and then became defensive.  Seven men...............American and Korean...........couldn't put handcuffs on me.  I was being attacked and I was pissed.  I stood with my back to a wall..............and when they came in and tried to grab me.................I grabbed them and  tossed them.  The undercover MP told me later that he never saw anything like it..............and I didn't hurt anyone.  At one point, I just smiled, turned around, put my head against the wall and my hands behind my back.  I was arrested.
      I woke up in the brig..........I was choking on my vomit.....had inhaled it.  I was taken to the dispensary for treatment.........................out of cuffs........no restraints.  At some point, I asked for my smokes.................I was told by the SGT in charge, no way . I said f*** you, I'm leaving.... and walked out the door.   The SGT followed me out and grabbed me from behind in the dark.............I broke free and and broke a few of his fingers........bruised a few of his ribs............. along with his face.   The MPs were called back........I was arrested again. This time I was tied down to a gurney.  I was talked to by a medic for quite a while...............and released from my restraints.   The Captain in charge of the Dispensary that night wasn't happy with me...................he came back as I laid there with my eyes closed, almost asleep...............he threw water in my face and said "I won't have any drunks sleeping it off in my dispensary",.  I didn't open my eyes....................but anything and everything that I could lay my hands on ,I threw or broke.  Yeah, MPs were called again.
       I woke up in my bed in the barracks.....................my wrists were raw from chaffing.........but I couldn't figure out how.   I showered and went to the motorpool to open up.   A couple of hours later, the 1st SGT Taylor called.  He asked if I was ready to go to jail.  I actually laughed.................told him that was funny.  He told me that I was being charged with drunk and disorderly, destruction of private property, resisting arrest, destruction of government property and assaulting an NCO. 
       All charges were dropped aginst me except the drunk and disorderly.  I paid out of pocket for the broken window.  I was a patient.....not to be treated in the manner I was,  the only personnel permitted to physically restrain military personnel are the MPs.  I was required to attend Psych counseling for 6 months.
        The undercover investigator found I had only charge six beers that night and I didn't drink all of them.  They believe my ex-girlfriend spiked my drink.  She disappeared....................left town...............with everything I owned in the apartment...........cleared it out.  I lost my passes for two weeks.    Gus and I had a talk..............".your .tough  luck buddy."...............my  problem.  I didn't know it at the time, but, Gus and I would have another encounter down town. 
                                       Until next time..............................God Bless.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Last Day

Hey All,  I went to St Luke's in Glenside for the 8th grade.  I was the new kid and unknown by all.  I had learned to be defensive as a second nature................so I stayed to myself when I could......and was in situations that had me in front of Mother Superior and the Priests on more than one ocassion.
      I had been in a few altercations that year............once with the biggest kid in class.................once with a couple of boys holding me while another hit me and a few times with individual boys.  I must have always been in the wrong as I was the only one up for discipline..........I wouldn't tell or rat out the others...........somehow I always felt these things were my fault.  My grandparents ended up getting involved when I came home with a few bruises on my face.
      The last day of school was a beautiful sunny day and the entire 8th grade was bussed to a local park.  It was a nice place with open field and some woods.  Some of the kids had been here before and many of the boys and girls went up into the woods along a steep hill.  There was a vine that had grown up through the  branches  of a tall tree and was used as a swing..................like tarzan.  The boys were taking turns swinging from the top of the hill to out over a space.........a drop of about 15 feet or so  in to a large pile of leaves.  I watched for awhile and then was taunted because I wouldn't go out like they had.   I relented and took my turn.  I took a deep breath and held on for dear life as I swung out over the leaves................looking down and afraid to let go.  I  started to swing back but instead of going to my point of origin..............I swung back to the tree..............into  a place on the tree where a branch had broken off.  When I collided with the tree.......it knocked the wind out of me and then I fell into the leaves.   I could hear the boys laughing as I crawled on my hands and knees out of the leaves and woods to the open field.  I couldn't catch my breath............gasping for air like a fish out of water.  One girl, Catherine, came down and checked on me......................she went to get one of the Nuns.  I had a round area under my left arm that was perforated by the ragged wood fibers from the broken branch.  The area was very sensitive ot touch.................when I got back to my grandparents house, my grandmother examined me and said we could go the hospital, but she believe that I had cracked some of my ribs..............and there was no treatment for that........so why waste the time and money?
       For the next 3 months, anytime I rolled over on my left side I was immediately wakened by a sharp pain from that spot under my arm.  I guess grandmom was right.  I still have a round mark there that sort of looks like freckles...............a tattoo, as a  physical reminder of that day.
                                Until next time.................................................God Bless

Fork in the Road

Hey All.  The last day at St Luke's was certainly one I'll always remember................but then again I remember to many things. 
       My grandparents made me an offer............that I would continue to live with them and they would pay for my tuition to Bishop McDevitt High School.  They wanted me to stay on................even to pay for college.  They told me to think about it..............that gave me 24 hours.    I had already been thinking......about going fishing and hunting with Tommy.  We did almost everything together..........I missed him.  As I sat on the front steps at my grandparents house I tried to think of both sides of how things would work.  If I stayed here I would have a hot meal 3 times a day, nice clothes, my own bedroom and somebody that talked to me and even cared if I did my homework.    I also thought of what I would be leaving behind................No more drunken mother to deal with,  no father flying off the handle in rages, no more abuse from the beast.............. my time with Tom would be almost non existent.  It was something else that came to my mind, that I found was the only important thing to me.  I realized, that if I stayed here............then all those things that I would have sidestepped would now fall to Tommy..........alone.  I instantly knew that I could never let that happen..................he would receive abuse that previously had been directed at me............since I knew what that was like, there was no way I could let that happen.......................my choice to stay would have caused him to endure my share abuse, pain and beatings.  I love Tom...............how could I do this to him?  I'm sure you all know by now that I went home that day.................I wouldn't change that decision if it meant my life.  Each other is all we had back then................. that we could count on.  Enough for today. 
                                Until next time...............................God Bless.

Friday, November 11, 2011

HHC 2/47 Infantry

Hey All,   My military experience wasn't all bad...........................it just had some black holes that I naturally fell in to.  I can honestly say that I learned a lot..........like how to survive.......maybe that was just an extension of what I was taught at home.  There are good and bad people all over the world..................yes that includes the military too.  Imagine someone having authority over you............and that person is without integrity or a moral compass.
       I was apprehensive when I arrived here in December 1979.  Afraid of what was going to happen next.........not without reason.  I had learned in Basic Training that I wasn't safe. I was trained for as long as I can remember that the next attack is right around the corner. I wasn't wrong.....................we went to Alaska and people I didn't even know, but would work with.............became the enemy............more people I couldn't trust.
       Lee was from Reading Pa. and was a mechanic in the motorpool when I got there...............for a little while he was also my room mate.  He was quiet and laid back and we got along.  We talked about home and our individual interests................normal guy stuff.  Other guys in the barracks noticed that Lee or myself never went out on the town, went to bars or picked up whatever woman  that was available.  I told Lee in private about wanting to wait........................and he told everybody when they started harassing him about not" going out".  I was teased at first and then ridiculed.....................I was the joke of the 2/47th. I was given the name "Cherry Boy"  I got crap everywhere I went, almost daily at the motorpool.................  from  my fellow enlisted, Motor SGT's, Officers and our assigned Warrant Officer.  It bothered me a .great deal.........I was told that they force me to have sex.............that they would take me downtown, make me drink...........that I would have no choice.  I was also told that they would bring a woman to the barracks and force me to participate.....................because of the events of my past.............this didn't go by without causing me to worry.
       I was moved to a new room right across the hall from the one I had occupied.  Odell  Johnson was one of my roommates............one of the people who made threats.  I was laying in bed reading...........which I spent a lot of time doing,  as usual I fell asleep with my light on.......the only one on in the room.  I woke to................an orgasm.   I sat up and Odell and a pretty brunette sat across from me on his bed.   Just staring at me not speaking.   My mind immediately went to the threats they made................I wrapped my sheet and blanket  closely to my body and went to the bathroom and closed the door.  I wanted to cry........I was falling into a deep dark hole. When I came out,  they were gone.  Not again...................nowhere to go................no place I can hide..........no place is safe.   My life.......anything that happens..........is a the whim of everyone else..............I will always be vulnerable.
      These events affected my health......my blood pressure was very high......I had an almost constant stomache ache......not eating or sleeping.   I went for medical attention and the Warrant Officer who was a Physicians Assistant recommended that I take leave...........................go home as soon as possible.  I couldn't tell him what happened..............I took leave and made it home  to Pennsylvania the night before 1980 deer season opened.  After a few days Dad went back on the road, Tom and Joe went back to work.  Grandmoms' friend took her grocery shopping and I stayed at Grandmoms house alone...............I wasn't doing very well...........my stomach still hurt and all I could think of was going back...................what would happen next?  I was 19 years old and so much had happened already.......................and I felt that somehow it was all my fault.   I took my fathers' loaded 38 revolver and sat on the couch ...........................I held it to my head and sat there...........I wouldn't have to go back.  I could stop all of this right now..   My mind wandered to Dad, Tom and Grandmom.  What this would do to them...........especially Grandmom ..........she would be the one to find me........she had always been so good to me.   I don't know how long I sat there like that.......but when Grandmon pulled up with her friend in the driveway, I put the gun back in the cabinet............and went outside to help with the groceries.
        This was the first time that I had gotten to  this point........................the conclusion that death was better than living as I had.  I would learn that I was an idiot to think I could control one damn thing.  I started acting out..................I drank so much Jack Daniels.....by tilting the bottle up and guzzling......that I didn't wake up until Saturday afternoon......laying in my own vomit and urine........  I couldn't keep water down until Sunday evening. This would be the beginning feeling responsible........hating myself.......uncontrollable anger .........excessive drinking...........dreams that won't let you forget.  Enough for now.
                       Until next time.............................God Bless.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sgt Morales

Hey All,   Everyone makes mistakes....................like "what the hell was I thinking?"  We are embarrassed by them and hope no one notices or finds out.
       Sgt Morales ran the maintenance floor in the motorpool of HHC 3rd Brigade.  He always had his uniform  squared away and always seemed happy and enthusiastic.  We all liked him.................but he wasn't perfect.  It was a sunny Saturday and I was sitting at my desk in the barracks writing a letter home..........no email back in the dark ages.  I was wrapped up in my thoughts as  I put pen to paper............I was lost in thought as I wrote, tuning out my room mates, the music and everything else.  Sgt Morales was married and lived off post with his family, but  he stopped by the barracks for some reason and was just checking in with us.  I had not even notoiced he was even there...........I was was so engrossed in my thoughts, with my eyes down, writing home.  I heard my name and looked up..................right into the barrel of a chrome revolver 18 inches from my face.  The cylinder turned as it was cocked and the hammer fell.....................to a very loud click.  I looked past the gun to see that it was in SGT Morales' hand and he was grinning.  I was a PFC at the time........and I blew a gasket.  I told him that he was leaving right now.................if he didn't leave I'd throw him down the F****** steps, take his gun from him and stick it where the sun don't shine. I told him if he ever put a gun in my face again it better be loaded because I was going beat the crap out of him.  He pulled rank on me then........made threats about insubordination.   I told him that was a good idea,  lets do it right now, with the  CQ.  He wasn't permitted to have a personal firearm in the barracks............let alone stick it in someones face.  Would I have gotten in trouble for my comments? Likely.  Did I care?  Not a bit......................he would have gotten in more trouble than me.     The following Monday, SGT Morales called me aside and apologized for his actions...........said it would have been his career if I filed a formal complaint..............thanked me for not doing so and asked if there were any hard feelings.  I told him I had none and he offered his hand, which I shook.  Back to business as usual.
        I came very close to letting out that animal I had caged up inside...........there would have been no turning back. I was among fellow soldiers...................but I couldn't let my guard down for a minute.
                  Until next time........................God Bless.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Breakfast in Bed

Hey All,  I know that many would like to get breakfast in bed..............as long as you're not in the hospital.  A little pampering at times is good for you...............makes you feel appreciated..................special.
      November 1979.  I was home on leave before reporting to Fort Lewis.  I didn't have drivers license as of yet...........I didn't get a state license until I was 24 years old.  Tommy would take me places I needed to go while at home or Dad would if he was around.  I had been staying at Grandmoms for a couple of days as .Mom was in usual form and I didn't want to be there.  She called me while drunk and was bad mouthing Dad.................I told her I didn't want to hear it................... I know he wasn't perfect...........but neither was she.  I hung up on her and she called back......I warned her, but again she went on about Dad................and I hung up.   Grandmom looked at me without comment.......................so I explained I'd had enough of this while living at home...............time for a change.
      Dad got in off the road one morning, a  couple of days later and I got a ride home with him.  When we walked in the back door the the house was a shambles...........................food on the floor and scattered over the counter tops..................table and counter tops loaded with dirty dishes etc.  Dad walked around looking things over when Joe told him Mom had been on a three day bender and was in bed.......................it was about two in the afternoon by this time.  Dad picked up the phone and called Moms' Mother.................he said"if you don't believe your daughter's an alcoholic, then you should come up now and see for yourself".  I was surprised...............I thought that I would never see something like this.
        An hour later, my Grandparents showed up..................along with a few of Moms' sisters.  They checked on Mom in her bedroom...............................and then proceeded to clean her entire house....................and yes........ they made her breakfast in bed.................like she was ill or bedridden. Yeah, she needed to be pampered, drinking is such hard work.  While this was going on......................my Grandparents, Dad and I were talking in the basement.  My Grandmother stated" your mother is not an alcoholic. It's no wonder she drinks with kids like you"!   Once again the anger from deep inside rushed to the surface.  I said" I'll be a son of bitch if I'll stand here and let you blame us kids for her drinking. You heard about her being an alcoholic when I lived with you and called me a liar!  The only one to blame for this is Mom"!  Well, you could have heard a pin drop.  My father looked at me as if for the first time and my Grandparents stood in shocked silence. That was a side of me before unseen by them................ the mouse roared.  I immediately felt like I did something wrong and I stomped up the stairs and went outside.  It was how Dad found out that I smoked..............I had to light up,  I was furious................emotional.  Dad came out a minute later and stood beside me......................he asked "  was it true what you said down there?"    I guess it surprised him.....................he had informed his in-laws on different occasions of Moms drinking habits and they refused to believe him.  I guess he must have been a liar too.
        Mom was an alcoholic and drank until her death on March 18th, 2005.  She had started having episodes of dimentia.............a few times she thought I was my father.  I avoided my mother for the most part.  I would only come to visit her if she promised to stay sober for the duration..........I didn't visit very often.  Enough for today.
                              Until next time.............................God Bless.

Shop Project

Hey All,  Lots of kids have spent time in wood shop in high school.  We were taught how to use the equipment safely and different techniques used in wood working.  Our teachers were Mr Snyder and Mr Halstead.
    I was in the 11th grade and had hard time deciding what I wanted to make.  Mr Snyder helped me out and I finally decided to make a chest of drawers made out of cherry.  It took me quite a while but I had completed it in May, just before the school year ended.  I had to pay for all the materials I used, so I explained to Mom that I needed $75 so that I could bring my project home.  She was already familiar with this because Tommy had a shop project too. It was a beautiful sunny day and I got a friend who could drive and he helped me bring it home, where we unloaded my project in the driveway.  After my friend had left, Mom came out the kitchen door and she was drunk again.  She looked at my chest of drawers and said "I paid $75 for that piece of shit? I don't know if I want that thing in my house. Why can't you make something nice like Tommy?"  I just stood there with tears welling up in my eyes...................I was 30ft away from her and  she was speaking loud.  I hoped nobody could hear her.  I turned my back to her and walked down the driveway, headed down to the creek.  I walked away trying to hold back my emotions.............while Mom was yelling at my back "where are you going?  Get this piece of shit out of my driveway"!
        I returned just after dark and brought my project in the house after Mom had passed out in bed.  I still have that chest of drawers.  It stands in my bedroom.........every time I look at it I can't help but remember.
                 Until next time...............................God Bless.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Missed Opportunities

Hey All      I do not consider myself to be a great chess player.  I take too much time in planning moves and am not a great strategist.   I have met some who are really good and love this game.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was playing two very different games at the same time.
         It was January 1981 and I was assigned to Headquarters Company, 3rd Brigade, Fort Lewis, Washington State.  Most of our Company had gone to Fort Drum, New York, for training and I was a member of the rear party left behind to secure and maintain our presence at headquarters.  I held the rank of SP4 at this time and was on a regular rotation for CQ (Charge of Quarters).  as was every other member of rear party.  This duty is a continuous 24 hour period with the next day off to rest and recover.  I was CQ runner for a  Black female SGT,  we all called by her 1st name, Winnie. I believe her last name was Cook.
         I still considered myself to be sexually pure.  I refused to accept any other definition for myself despite what had happened in Basic Training and the 2/47.  Some had known of my personal choice to remain celibate and this fact had followed me from my last assignment to this one.  This had become a source of  humor and ridicule for some and harassment for me. My current and previous assignments were geographically 100 yards apart and many of the personnel knew each other........................my reputation for celibacy preceeded me.
         I had occasion to pull CQ  with Winnie a few times during this time.  She was aware of my personal  choice and had taunted me the same as others had..  One night she left Post to go to Seattle-Tacoma airport to pick up a male friend and left me to occupy headquarters alone.  She had been gone for quite awhile and when she returned I made mention of this.  She bluntly told me that she had offered herself to me and I had turned her down.  She had been with her friend spending "quality time".  I was embarrassed and said nothing further about it.
        The next time I had CQ with Winnie she brought a friend.  She was a very attractive young black woman who was married to a man, whom was called "Mac", a shortened version of his name,  he was on the trip to Fort Drum,.   She had brought a chess set with her and claimed that she doesn't ever lose.  She had made several remarks about my celibate nature and decided that she wanted to be my first experience.  I reminded her of her marital status but apparently that wasn't an issue for her.  We played chess during this time and Winnie read a book she had, with an occasional laugh at some of her friends comments to me.  I took forever to decide what chess moves to make, so this game lasted awhile.  The game was over when I said checkmate.  She refused to believe it as she examined the board............but she lost fair and square.   The trouble had just begun..............................she refused to physically leave me alone.  I had gone to the men's room and she boldly walked in while I was exposed.   She walked up behind me and grabbed my penis. I in turn grabbed her forearm so hard she cried out that I was hurting her........  I let when she let go.    Over the next couple of hours she refused to leave me alone or take no for an answer. She placed her clothed breasts in my face..........................she tried to shove her hand down my pants repeatedly........................she grabbed my crotch, to which I slapped her hand with forced.............tried to get on top of me as I laid leaned back on the sofa trying to read.  This transpired over the course of a couple of hours  Winnie watched this and found it amusing.  She wouldn't intervene, despite my pleas for her help.   Finally, I informed Winnie that I would leave the building and go AWOL if this didn't stop.  Even if I had to face punishment for leaving my post..................I couldn't take anymore of this.  That made a difference, but not without being verbally ridiculed by both of them for my choices.................I was just being a"baby", a "little boy"  "What's the matter don't you like women?"
       Now I was concerned to be around either one of them.   I didn't and couldn't report this anyone.  It was my word against theirs and then I was afraid "Mac" might come after me when he got back if his wife lied about the circumstances.  If the gender of the people involved in this incident were reversed,  then maybe it would have mattered..............................males don't get sexually assaulted and harassed by females.......... right?
       I didn't have CQ with Winnie anymore after that night.  Thank God for that.  I did see Mac's wife while walking a couple of times, .....she would just laugh when she saw me.    I also saw Mac.  The way he stared at me, I'm sure he must have heard something,  but he never said anything to me. I know some would laugh at these events and would have felt and acted far differently.   I had set a standard for myself................what was wrong with wanting my first time to be something personal........................not just a causal fling with someone I don't even know?  Yet alone the wife of another man.   This event only served to cause me to feel more self-conscious about myself and my past.  Being a person who was exposed to abuse in the past, I refused to get violent, even in defense of myself...................especially against a female.  Eventually, I would turn violent..................  but only towards myself. I had to be the one to blame.....................it couldn't be them.   I would become a man out of control.
                         Until next time....................................God Bless.