Hey All, Many of us get to the point where we refer to................that was the last straw............the straw that broke the camels' back................. I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more. At the end of September 2010.................I would find that point.
I was on my 3rd suspension without pay from my employer. this all started with a complaint to the State of Pa, about a supervisor. I refused to drop this complaint, even though I was warned at the time that they would "find a way to fire me" ........as stated from a man who held a position in the union. He was a close friend of the supervisor..............and his words proved to be foretelling.
I had been reassigned in the beginning of August 2010. I was suspended the 1st time, since starting my employment, near the end of August 2010. I am an honorably discharged Army Vet with a substantial hearing disability. My suspension was in part for not answering a phone that I could not hear due to my disability....................I had hearing aids but did not have them in. It was claimed by administration that I was missing from work. I was operating gas powered equipment and there 2 commercial lawnmowers running in my immediate vicinity. I filed a discrimination complaint because of this suspension and was suspended twice afterwards as a reward.
I had previously been reprimanded by the Principal and Asst Principal for not working fast enough, even when I was working sided by side with John, my co-worker doing the same task..................he didn't get reprimanded. I had to be taken by ambulance for emergency medical treatment to Doylestown Hospital....... my blood pressure dangerously high and acute pain in my chest. My blood pressure returned to normal by the next morning and test were run on my heart. I was given a stress test, EKG etc. I passed with flying colors...............the cardiologist told me there was nothing wrong with my heart............that it was workplace stress that caused my symptoms. I stayed in the hospital for 1 day and then returned to work. I was suspended on the 2nd day after my return.
I filed an internal complaint for discrimination with everyone including the superintendent. According to policy every complaint will be investigated.........even verbal. There was no investigation that I was made aware of or a conclusion from one, also part of standing policy. Why didn't they take my complaint seriously? Is discrimination and abuse acceptable as long as you are an administrator? I was suspended again two more times, without pay in the three weeks following that internal complaint.
During my last suspension, I was told that the next step for me would be termination. I had already been put on anti anxiety and depression medication due to their actions. No matter how hard I tried, they still came after me. I couldn't sleep and had lost a lot of weight. I was apprehensive about going to work, I was also self medicating.................with alcohol, it was the only way I could sleep.
Penny had breast cancer and was receiving treatment at this time......................I couldn't lose this job! We had spent our IRAs recovering from a recent flood., also during Pennys' cancer treatment. I was starting over with this job and worked away from home 5 days a week. We needed these benefits...................Penny was scared what would happen to her health care without them. Not to mention the only retirement saving we now had. The anxiety, frustration and depression were overwhelming....I needed relief, help in any form, to make this nightmare stop!
. It was early afternoon and Penny was getting ready for work, I said to her, "I'm at the end of my rope. I can't take much more of this!" After she left and gone to work at the local market, which is just down the street, I started drinking. I was working on the house, trying to take my mind off off my circumstance................I couldn't focus.............no matter how hard I tried, I was consumed by my thoughts. I went down a very deep black hole I thought that the only way to make this pain go away, was to take my life. There has been so much heartache for such a long time, that I couldn't face another day of it. I planned a course of action.............I took my 45 cal Colt.........loaded it ..........and put it to my head so hard it left an imprint. I stood in the dining room that way for some time..................then I realized that Penny wouldn't be able to live in this house if I did it here. So, I would go up into the woods.................I would just disappear. I called Charlie to say good bye and that I was sorry..............he was all grown up with his own family and wouldn't need me anymore. He tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't listen.................I had finally given up...............I wanted........needed..... this all to stop. Then I turned my cell phone off.
Charlie and Colleen, his wife, tried to get Penny on her cell phone, and by the time they did, I was already gone. Penny came home, found my empty pistol holster laying on the floor just inside the open kitchen door. She searched the house room by room, the gift shop, and our property..........afraid of what she would find before entering each room or place. When I wasn't anywhere at home, she had no option but to call 911. I was missing for several hours. I sat on a steep hillside where I covered myself with leaves, so that I wouldn't be easily seen or found.
I sat there for hours, trying to think, but my pain and emotions kept drowning out any voice of reason. Hours later, as the sun set, I found that I couldn't pull the trigger. I walked downhill just below where I was sitting and placed the pistol in an old stump near the creek below me. I returned to my hiding place and covered myself with leaves again. I sat in the dark in the woods................struggling with myself.
Charlie and I had hunted these woods for quite a few years......he told the police where to start looking. Penny sat with her Dad on the back porch steps that faced the mountains above, waiting for news .........fearing the sound of a shot. A local had seen me go up the road and informed the police. I saw headlights on the road far below me and searchlights sweeping the woods and fields. My name was being called out through loudspeakers.......the search for going on for the crazy man with a gun. I am told that there were five State Police cars, local police, search dogs and a helicopter called in that had infra red capability............ to search for an armed suicidal man.. I eventually decided to turn on my cell phone and it immediately started ringing......... it was Charlie. He had kept dialing my number in hope that I would eventually answer. He talked me into calling to the search party and revealing my hiding place. I didn't move. I stayed on the phone with Charlie until law enforcement was at my location. I was in the sitting position and tackled from behind.......as I told them I was unarmed. After my hands were cuffed behind my back, I told them where they would find my weapon.
I was taken in to custody and admitted for three days in to the psych ward of the nearest hospital that had one. I was released on Saturday and returned to work the following Monday morning. I couldn't tell my employer........... couldn't let them know that they had gotten to me.....that I was vulnerable. I feared that if they knew, that they would come after me even harder.
Anyone who has read my stories , knows some of the events from my life..................some haven't been divulged yet. I have been molested, physically and emotionally abused, shot, sexually assaulted, hit by a car on three different occasions, sexually harassed and falsely accused..................threatened with the loss of my job and the benefits that Penny needed so badly...............the reason I took the job so far from home in the first place.I thought that this job would be a new beginning and our salvation...........once again, I was wrong. I believe that my last employer hosts an extremely hostile working environment. I was afraid to return to work for fear of what would happen next. Going to work everyday, was going to school everyday in fear of having to face a bully.......just like a child. I could only do it medicated and most of time that didn't help much.
I continue with therapy and medication. I have been told I am being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was raised to keep standing, no matter what happens. Stay strong...... be a man. Easier said. No charges were filed against me.....I had a permit to carry a concealed weapon and had broken no laws. I will always be my harshest judge................not being able to forgive myself.............for things I know that I have no control over. I wake everyday, anticipating the next attack........I realize that this is not reasonable, but everyday isn't about living........it's about survival, making it through the day. When faced by someone who has caused me harm.......I will always view them as a enemy or antagonist......no soothing words spoken with a fast tongue will cause my guard to be lowered...........I tried forgiving once, I was angry with myself for the pain I had to endure because of it.
I apologize again to all of my family, who had to endure so much that day......... for the extreme emotional stress my actions have put you through. You have suffered for my actions...............I am sorry and I love you. Thank you for loving me.......and saving me from myself Enough for today.
Until next time...................................God Bless.
I was on my 3rd suspension without pay from my employer. this all started with a complaint to the State of Pa, about a supervisor. I refused to drop this complaint, even though I was warned at the time that they would "find a way to fire me" ........as stated from a man who held a position in the union. He was a close friend of the supervisor..............and his words proved to be foretelling.
I had been reassigned in the beginning of August 2010. I was suspended the 1st time, since starting my employment, near the end of August 2010. I am an honorably discharged Army Vet with a substantial hearing disability. My suspension was in part for not answering a phone that I could not hear due to my disability....................I had hearing aids but did not have them in. It was claimed by administration that I was missing from work. I was operating gas powered equipment and there 2 commercial lawnmowers running in my immediate vicinity. I filed a discrimination complaint because of this suspension and was suspended twice afterwards as a reward.
I had previously been reprimanded by the Principal and Asst Principal for not working fast enough, even when I was working sided by side with John, my co-worker doing the same task..................he didn't get reprimanded. I had to be taken by ambulance for emergency medical treatment to Doylestown Hospital....... my blood pressure dangerously high and acute pain in my chest. My blood pressure returned to normal by the next morning and test were run on my heart. I was given a stress test, EKG etc. I passed with flying colors...............the cardiologist told me there was nothing wrong with my heart............that it was workplace stress that caused my symptoms. I stayed in the hospital for 1 day and then returned to work. I was suspended on the 2nd day after my return.
I filed an internal complaint for discrimination with everyone including the superintendent. According to policy every complaint will be investigated.........even verbal. There was no investigation that I was made aware of or a conclusion from one, also part of standing policy. Why didn't they take my complaint seriously? Is discrimination and abuse acceptable as long as you are an administrator? I was suspended again two more times, without pay in the three weeks following that internal complaint.
During my last suspension, I was told that the next step for me would be termination. I had already been put on anti anxiety and depression medication due to their actions. No matter how hard I tried, they still came after me. I couldn't sleep and had lost a lot of weight. I was apprehensive about going to work, I was also self medicating.................with alcohol, it was the only way I could sleep.
Penny had breast cancer and was receiving treatment at this time......................I couldn't lose this job! We had spent our IRAs recovering from a recent flood., also during Pennys' cancer treatment. I was starting over with this job and worked away from home 5 days a week. We needed these benefits...................Penny was scared what would happen to her health care without them. Not to mention the only retirement saving we now had. The anxiety, frustration and depression were overwhelming....I needed relief, help in any form, to make this nightmare stop!
. It was early afternoon and Penny was getting ready for work, I said to her, "I'm at the end of my rope. I can't take much more of this!" After she left and gone to work at the local market, which is just down the street, I started drinking. I was working on the house, trying to take my mind off off my circumstance................I couldn't focus.............no matter how hard I tried, I was consumed by my thoughts. I went down a very deep black hole I thought that the only way to make this pain go away, was to take my life. There has been so much heartache for such a long time, that I couldn't face another day of it. I planned a course of action.............I took my 45 cal Colt.........loaded it ..........and put it to my head so hard it left an imprint. I stood in the dining room that way for some time..................then I realized that Penny wouldn't be able to live in this house if I did it here. So, I would go up into the woods.................I would just disappear. I called Charlie to say good bye and that I was sorry..............he was all grown up with his own family and wouldn't need me anymore. He tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't listen.................I had finally given up...............I wanted........needed..... this all to stop. Then I turned my cell phone off.
Charlie and Colleen, his wife, tried to get Penny on her cell phone, and by the time they did, I was already gone. Penny came home, found my empty pistol holster laying on the floor just inside the open kitchen door. She searched the house room by room, the gift shop, and our property..........afraid of what she would find before entering each room or place. When I wasn't anywhere at home, she had no option but to call 911. I was missing for several hours. I sat on a steep hillside where I covered myself with leaves, so that I wouldn't be easily seen or found.
I sat there for hours, trying to think, but my pain and emotions kept drowning out any voice of reason. Hours later, as the sun set, I found that I couldn't pull the trigger. I walked downhill just below where I was sitting and placed the pistol in an old stump near the creek below me. I returned to my hiding place and covered myself with leaves again. I sat in the dark in the woods................struggling with myself.
Charlie and I had hunted these woods for quite a few years......he told the police where to start looking. Penny sat with her Dad on the back porch steps that faced the mountains above, waiting for news .........fearing the sound of a shot. A local had seen me go up the road and informed the police. I saw headlights on the road far below me and searchlights sweeping the woods and fields. My name was being called out through loudspeakers.......the search for going on for the crazy man with a gun. I am told that there were five State Police cars, local police, search dogs and a helicopter called in that had infra red capability............ to search for an armed suicidal man.. I eventually decided to turn on my cell phone and it immediately started ringing......... it was Charlie. He had kept dialing my number in hope that I would eventually answer. He talked me into calling to the search party and revealing my hiding place. I didn't move. I stayed on the phone with Charlie until law enforcement was at my location. I was in the sitting position and tackled from behind.......as I told them I was unarmed. After my hands were cuffed behind my back, I told them where they would find my weapon.
I was taken in to custody and admitted for three days in to the psych ward of the nearest hospital that had one. I was released on Saturday and returned to work the following Monday morning. I couldn't tell my employer........... couldn't let them know that they had gotten to me.....that I was vulnerable. I feared that if they knew, that they would come after me even harder.
Anyone who has read my stories , knows some of the events from my life..................some haven't been divulged yet. I have been molested, physically and emotionally abused, shot, sexually assaulted, hit by a car on three different occasions, sexually harassed and falsely accused..................threatened with the loss of my job and the benefits that Penny needed so badly...............the reason I took the job so far from home in the first place.I thought that this job would be a new beginning and our salvation...........once again, I was wrong. I believe that my last employer hosts an extremely hostile working environment. I was afraid to return to work for fear of what would happen next. Going to work everyday, was going to school everyday in fear of having to face a bully.......just like a child. I could only do it medicated and most of time that didn't help much.
I continue with therapy and medication. I have been told I am being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was raised to keep standing, no matter what happens. Stay strong...... be a man. Easier said. No charges were filed against me.....I had a permit to carry a concealed weapon and had broken no laws. I will always be my harshest judge................not being able to forgive myself.............for things I know that I have no control over. I wake everyday, anticipating the next attack........I realize that this is not reasonable, but everyday isn't about living........it's about survival, making it through the day. When faced by someone who has caused me harm.......I will always view them as a enemy or antagonist......no soothing words spoken with a fast tongue will cause my guard to be lowered...........I tried forgiving once, I was angry with myself for the pain I had to endure because of it.
I apologize again to all of my family, who had to endure so much that day......... for the extreme emotional stress my actions have put you through. You have suffered for my actions...............I am sorry and I love you. Thank you for loving me.......and saving me from myself Enough for today.
Until next time...................................God Bless.
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