Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Man in the Mirror

Hey All,   Introspect is something we all do from time to time.  We look at ourselves, sometimes with judgement as to our lives and our actions.  It would be nice to like what we see and approve of what we have done with everyday of our lives.  Being human,  we all have faults.....................we don't get it right every time.   Try and remember to be fair to yourself and accept responsibility only for what you have control of.........your own actions.   You don't make another person do anything...................their free will does...........but your actions can influence theirs.
        I look at my reflection in a mirror and struggle with what this reflection that I see,  means.  Self esteem and self judgement are interlocked within me.  I know what the facts are .......what has occurred in the past has a direct effect on who I have become.  There are some that believe,  that I can choose who I am...............it's mind over matter.  If I don't mind then,  it doesn't matter.  Got to say that there's a flaw with this train of thought.  I believe that the things that happen over your lifetime are accumulative in your heart and your soul.   We are ever changing........adapting everyday to new situations,circumstances and stimulus.  Each of us will  respond in kind and as individuals.  I wouldn't dare assume or try to tell anyone how they should feel about any particular events in their life.  We can empathize......... but the experiences are individual........as well as similar to our own.
       I know that there are people that have had  extremely hard trials and experiences...............I am fortunate by comparison..............................but it doesn't lessen the validity of my pain or experiences.  I can't count how many times my father called me stupid................... the ultimate insult was " Cripes!  Your dumber than Joe!"  He questioned me once, after what he claimed was mistake......................I told him"what did you expect?  You know I'm stupid?"  He never called stupid after that... In a conversation with my mother, when I was in high school........................she was asking about my life plans.  I said that I wanted to get married and have kids.   After a long laugh.....................she said "You'll never amount to anything.  Who would want you?"   Thanks for your honesty Mom.
      These are the things that stick with me.  I know.....................that is,  I have head knowledge, that this was abuse and should not be taken to heart.   When something occurs on a regular basis..............it becomes reality to the person hearing it.  Add to this that your siblings are not treated in the same way.......................how can you feel any differently............. that all that is told to you,  is true?
      Parents are the first, and one of the most important...............................they form the foundation of a persons life.   I'm grateful for the Scalfaro family.....................the Hansons........the Gabryelewicz family and others.   You have made positive contributions to my life,  by your examples, compassion and kindness.  With out you..............I may have thought suicide was only answer a  long  time ago...................and yes,  I did think about it.    You showed me love........and gave me hope.
       I may always struggle with who and what I am.   I have tried to do what I thought was right............morally.  I've made more than my share of mistakes...............no doubt.  My parents or any of my other abusers are not responsible for them....................I'm all grown up now.............I may not have had very good training, but, I can accept responsibility for.........................being me.
       Enough for this day.          until next time..................God Bless.

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