Hey All, My military experience wasn't all bad...........................it just had some black holes that I naturally fell in to. I can honestly say that I learned a lot..........like how to survive.......maybe that was just an extension of what I was taught at home. There are good and bad people all over the world..................yes that includes the military too. Imagine someone having authority over you............and that person is without integrity or a moral compass.
I was apprehensive when I arrived here in December 1979. Afraid of what was going to happen next.........not without reason. I had learned in Basic Training that I wasn't safe. I was trained for as long as I can remember that the next attack is right around the corner. I wasn't wrong.....................we went to Alaska and people I didn't even know, but would work with.............became the enemy............more people I couldn't trust.
Lee was from Reading Pa. and was a mechanic in the motorpool when I got there...............for a little while he was also my room mate. He was quiet and laid back and we got along. We talked about home and our individual interests................normal guy stuff. Other guys in the barracks noticed that Lee or myself never went out on the town, went to bars or picked up whatever woman that was available. I told Lee in private about wanting to wait........................and he told everybody when they started harassing him about not" going out". I was teased at first and then ridiculed.....................I was the joke of the 2/47th. I was given the name "Cherry Boy" I got crap everywhere I went, almost daily at the motorpool................. from my fellow enlisted, Motor SGT's, Officers and our assigned Warrant Officer. It bothered me a .great deal.........I was told that they force me to have sex.............that they would take me downtown, make me drink...........that I would have no choice. I was also told that they would bring a woman to the barracks and force me to participate.....................because of the events of my past.............this didn't go by without causing me to worry.
I was moved to a new room right across the hall from the one I had occupied. Odell Johnson was one of my roommates............one of the people who made threats. I was laying in bed reading...........which I spent a lot of time doing, as usual I fell asleep with my light on.......the only one on in the room. I woke to................an orgasm. I sat up and Odell and a pretty brunette sat across from me on his bed. Just staring at me not speaking. My mind immediately went to the threats they made................I wrapped my sheet and blanket closely to my body and went to the bathroom and closed the door. I wanted to cry........I was falling into a deep dark hole. When I came out, they were gone. Not again...................nowhere to go................no place I can hide..........no place is safe. My life.......anything that happens..........is a the whim of everyone else..............I will always be vulnerable.
These events affected my health......my blood pressure was very high......I had an almost constant stomache ache......not eating or sleeping. I went for medical attention and the Warrant Officer who was a Physicians Assistant recommended that I take leave...........................go home as soon as possible. I couldn't tell him what happened..............I took leave and made it home to Pennsylvania the night before 1980 deer season opened. After a few days Dad went back on the road, Tom and Joe went back to work. Grandmoms' friend took her grocery shopping and I stayed at Grandmoms house alone...............I wasn't doing very well...........my stomach still hurt and all I could think of was going back...................what would happen next? I was 19 years old and so much had happened already.......................and I felt that somehow it was all my fault. I took my fathers' loaded 38 revolver and sat on the couch ...........................I held it to my head and sat there...........I wouldn't have to go back. I could stop all of this right now.. My mind wandered to Dad, Tom and Grandmom. What this would do to them...........especially Grandmom ..........she would be the one to find me........she had always been so good to me. I don't know how long I sat there like that.......but when Grandmon pulled up with her friend in the driveway, I put the gun back in the cabinet............and went outside to help with the groceries.
This was the first time that I had gotten to this point........................the conclusion that death was better than living as I had. I would learn that I was an idiot to think I could control one damn thing. I started acting out..................I drank so much Jack Daniels.....by tilting the bottle up and guzzling......that I didn't wake up until Saturday afternoon......laying in my own vomit and urine........ I couldn't keep water down until Sunday evening. This would be the beginning feeling responsible........hating myself.......uncontrollable anger .........excessive drinking...........dreams that won't let you forget. Enough for now.
Until next time.............................God Bless.
I was apprehensive when I arrived here in December 1979. Afraid of what was going to happen next.........not without reason. I had learned in Basic Training that I wasn't safe. I was trained for as long as I can remember that the next attack is right around the corner. I wasn't wrong.....................we went to Alaska and people I didn't even know, but would work with.............became the enemy............more people I couldn't trust.
Lee was from Reading Pa. and was a mechanic in the motorpool when I got there...............for a little while he was also my room mate. He was quiet and laid back and we got along. We talked about home and our individual interests................normal guy stuff. Other guys in the barracks noticed that Lee or myself never went out on the town, went to bars or picked up whatever woman that was available. I told Lee in private about wanting to wait........................and he told everybody when they started harassing him about not" going out". I was teased at first and then ridiculed.....................I was the joke of the 2/47th. I was given the name "Cherry Boy" I got crap everywhere I went, almost daily at the motorpool................. from my fellow enlisted, Motor SGT's, Officers and our assigned Warrant Officer. It bothered me a .great deal.........I was told that they force me to have sex.............that they would take me downtown, make me drink...........that I would have no choice. I was also told that they would bring a woman to the barracks and force me to participate.....................because of the events of my past.............this didn't go by without causing me to worry.
I was moved to a new room right across the hall from the one I had occupied. Odell Johnson was one of my roommates............one of the people who made threats. I was laying in bed reading...........which I spent a lot of time doing, as usual I fell asleep with my light on.......the only one on in the room. I woke to................an orgasm. I sat up and Odell and a pretty brunette sat across from me on his bed. Just staring at me not speaking. My mind immediately went to the threats they made................I wrapped my sheet and blanket closely to my body and went to the bathroom and closed the door. I wanted to cry........I was falling into a deep dark hole. When I came out, they were gone. Not again...................nowhere to go................no place I can hide..........no place is safe. My life.......anything that happens..........is a the whim of everyone else..............I will always be vulnerable.
These events affected my health......my blood pressure was very high......I had an almost constant stomache ache......not eating or sleeping. I went for medical attention and the Warrant Officer who was a Physicians Assistant recommended that I take leave...........................go home as soon as possible. I couldn't tell him what happened..............I took leave and made it home to Pennsylvania the night before 1980 deer season opened. After a few days Dad went back on the road, Tom and Joe went back to work. Grandmoms' friend took her grocery shopping and I stayed at Grandmoms house alone...............I wasn't doing very well...........my stomach still hurt and all I could think of was going back...................what would happen next? I was 19 years old and so much had happened already.......................and I felt that somehow it was all my fault. I took my fathers' loaded 38 revolver and sat on the couch ...........................I held it to my head and sat there...........I wouldn't have to go back. I could stop all of this right now.. My mind wandered to Dad, Tom and Grandmom. What this would do to them...........especially Grandmom ..........she would be the one to find me........she had always been so good to me. I don't know how long I sat there like that.......but when Grandmon pulled up with her friend in the driveway, I put the gun back in the cabinet............and went outside to help with the groceries.
This was the first time that I had gotten to this point........................the conclusion that death was better than living as I had. I would learn that I was an idiot to think I could control one damn thing. I started acting out..................I drank so much Jack Daniels.....by tilting the bottle up and guzzling......that I didn't wake up until Saturday afternoon......laying in my own vomit and urine........ I couldn't keep water down until Sunday evening. This would be the beginning feeling responsible........hating myself.......uncontrollable anger .........excessive drinking...........dreams that won't let you forget. Enough for now.
Until next time.............................God Bless.
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