Thursday, October 6, 2011

Foolish Desire

Hey All,   We all plan for the future.  Whether it's for the day or the next year, we each plan our lives to some extent.  When we were in High School, all of us had some idea what we wanted to do next and made arrangements in kind.  We plan and God laughs.
       It was January 1979.  I went through school with absolutely no idea what I was going to do as a career when I graduated.  I didn't apply myself very much to any of the classes I took, I didn't need to because in our house no one cared much about what grades you got.  No one checked homework and parents  signed off on report cards without much comment.  All that was required was a passing grade, not your best effort or living up to your potential.
       I had taken a psychology course with Peter Barsky as the teacher in high school.   It had peaked an interest in me and it was then I decided that I would like a career in Psychology.  We were very poor growing up, so I knew that I was going to be on the hook for the full ride.   I  was a Library Aide, so I asked Mrs Sloss what I had to do to get any financial aide that I might qualify for.  She explained how things worked and I went to Guidance to get the necessary forms to fill out.  I took them home and filled out what I could and had to ask Mom for their financial info to be able to complete them.  It was then that I had a problem...........Mom was drunk as usual and wanted to know why I needed it.  After I explained it to her and she looked at the forms she said"It's nobody's f******* business how much money we make .........I'm not telling you and your not going"..   I  dropped the whole idea after that, I was too embarassed to tell anyone what happened.  Dad was on the road and unavailable and I wasn't sure when he'd be back.
       A week or so after this Mom came out into the kitchen, drunk again and informed me that when I turned 18 years old,  I had to get out of the house.   I asked if Dad knew about this and she replied that he did.   Joe still lived at home and was 21 at this time. Since my 18th birthday was a couple of weeks away,  I asked if I could stay until I graduated.  She considered this for a moment and agreed.  I was hurt by this and wondered why I had to leave and Joe could turned out that Tom could stay too.
        Now I felt the pressure to come up with something so I wasn't going to be jobless and homeless.  I ended up enlisting in the Army.  After my birthday, I signed up for the delayed entry program and would report on June 25th for Basic Training. After all the arrangements were solid, I told Mom what I had done and she got mad.  She said she wouldn't sign for me and I explained that at 18, she had no say about it.  Of course Dad didn't know what I had done either.
        The day came shortly before Dad passed away that we had a conversation about this at Grandmoms' house.  Grandmom was there but Mom wasn't.  I explained what had happened and he just sat there for a minute looking at me in disbelief.  He then stressed the point that he had no idea that this had occured and wouldn't have agreed if he had.  He then talked about how many things he missed not being at  home so much because of his job.  He felt bad about it for me and angry at Mom at the same time.  He knew his time was short from the doctors prognosis and he had a lot of regrets.  I explained that everything was okay,  I didn't fault him for what happened is what it is....................even if what it is.............................isn't what we hoped for.
                         Until next time..................God Bless.

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